Abortion: making it personal

you know her,

she is there

at work 

at school

at church

at parties

in the park

at the mall

on the athletic field

you know him,

he is there

at work

at school 

at church

at parties

in the park

at the mall

on the athletic field

teenagers

20 something's

or 30...40...50...60...70...80

you know them well

or having a passing acquaintance

you may even love them and be related to them

but there is something you don't know about them

something you may never know

something they keep hidden

because they have heard your words

and they know exactly what you think of them

or what you would think of them if you "knew"

abortion

they had one

or they influenced someone to have one

or they offered to claim the baby if she didn't know who the father was

they bought the lies that "it is just tissue"

or they were too afraid of the "what if's" to carry the baby to term

or they were to ashamed of the hidden sin 

sex before marriage

or rape

so, to cover that up, they added another

and they know you

they see you 

at work

at school 

at church

and they hear you condemn abortion

and in the next breath slander or gossip-

sometimes in the name of "being able to pray specifically"

sometimes just because you are nosey

sometimes because you didn't think before you spoke

they see you at the church potluck or in a restaurant

occasionally " overindulging" is what we call it

but in reality

it is a lack of self control

gluttony

they listen as you talk about the movies and tv shows you watch

the books and magazines you read

the games you play

the sites you look at

and it doesn't make sense-they are the same things the "world" enjoys

fear

of the consequences of honesty

of the cost of being vulnerable

of the ramifications of going against the norm

keep us silent, cowering, covering up the truth

no more

today I choose to speak out

to brave the elements 

to accept that opinions may change

all in the name of offering hope and clarity

She was 15 years old.

Single. 

Scared spit less.

What would her dad say? 

She went to her mom.
"I am pregnant, what should I do?"
"I'll get back to you."
After a few days her mom came back with this;

"I cannot find a home for unwed mothers. You should get an abortion. I will make all of the arrangements and pay for it."
She had done a report a few years before about abortion.

She knew it was killing a baby.

But now she was an active member of her church.

And she desperately wanted to not displease her dad.

So she said "Okay."

The next morning, as she walked to school, the sun was shining and the birds were singing. One of the prettiest early spring days she'd ever seen. Finally she could relax. Her clear thoughts were,

"My problem is solved. Dad will never know."

The devil, using fear, (hers and her mother's) blinded her from making choices based on the truths she knew.

Her mom made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for an in clinic "procedure".

There was only one problem. She was farther along than she'd thought so they couldn't do it in the clinic.

She had to be admitted to a hospital and have a Saline Abortion.

In a stark, cold hospital room, dressed in a b grade hospital gown, with her mom and one friend in attendance, she lay on the bed and allowed a doctor to inject her womb with a saline solution. This is wikipedia's description:

Instillation abortion is performed by injecting a chemical solution consisting of either saline, urea, or prostaglandin through the abdomen and into the amniotic sac. The cervix is dilated prior to the injection, and the chemical solution induces uterine contractions which expel the fetus.

What she did not know was that she would go through labor. And delivery. Nor was she aware that the nuns who were working would treat her with disdain. Coming in only when it was obvious the deed was over.

What wikipedia does not tell, what she knew from her research for the paper she'd gotten an A on a few years before, what she had filed away in the deepest recesses of her mind was the terrible truth about what happens to the "fetus". The saline solution burns the baby. Inside and out. Killing it slowly, but surely. 

It was only after the abortion was over and she was trying to recover that the hideousness of what she had allowed hit her. Depression. Sorrow. Grief. Sadness. Shame. Fear. Guilt. She experienced it all. The brief respite from that early March 1976 morning was long gone.

Slowly she healed. 

Finally made it back to school.

Only two friends knew what she had been through.

One dropped her like a hot potato.

The other one she lost because her family moved.

Alone.

Even though she lived with her mom and her brothers.

Even though she still went to church every week. 

Three times a week.

She felt terribly alone.

Now the children she taught there were even more precious.

She longed to talk to someone. 

But she didn't dare.

Her sin was too big.

They would never trust her in a classroom again.
They would take away her one source of happiness.

So she stayed silent.

Pasting on a fake smile.

Fast forward a few years.
Prince Charming notices her.

Asks her out.

They fall in love.

He asks her to marry him and she said "YES".

But then she remembers her darkest secret.

And knows she has to tell him.

He walks away.

But comes back a few days later.

Affirming his love.

Assuring her the past is in the past.

They get married.

Slowly she began to really heal. 

And grow in her knowledge of who God is and who she is in Him.

She knows that God loves her.

Really loves her, past and all.

He forgave her and He has a purpose for her life.

She is not defined by her past.

Abortion is part of her story, but not the theme of it.

The shame and grief do not have to rule her life or dictate her future.

God could and would use her.

She ended up having six children.

And each time she was pregnant she remembers her first baby.

The one she knows is in heaven, but she wishes was here.

When she has twins she feels like it is a sign God really did forgive her.

And when she miscarries their seventh baby she fights the devil's lie that it was God's judgement because she killed her first baby, with the truth that God is love. He forgave her long ago. And her God does not work that way.

I am that girl.

I have shared my story publically in person-

to individuals,

to groups small and large,

but I have never written publically about it until now.

Why now?

Because putting a face and a person to "THE SIN" makes a difference.

Makes it personal.
Makes you think about it in a different way.

I hope sharing my story gives hope to those who have battled to forgive themselves for their part in abortion, whatever it might be. 

I hope that it reveals the love and power of God to heal and forgive.

I hope it moves people to examine the way they "rate" and attack sin. 

"There are six things which the Lord hates,

Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him:

Haughty eyes, a lying tongue,

And hands that shed innocent blood,

A heart that devises wicked plans,

Feet that run rapidly to evil,

A false witness who utters lies,

And one who spreads strife among brothers."

Proverbs 6:16-19

I hope it reminds us who our enemy is:

"For our struggle is not against  flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

The devil tried to use abortion to destroy me,

but he cannot stand against God's power.

One heartbeat was stopped,

mine still remains.

I am an abortion survivor.

* posts I've written about the value of life/abortion:

pro life (or simply anti-abortion?) 1/13/2018

a note to Christ followers: listen for the beating heart 1/24/2019

this post 1/29/2019

pro life? 4/26/2020

do all lives matter? 7/15/2020