holiday blues
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| 12/31/18 |
"Just like that, it's over."
That is what I thought this afternoon as the kids left to head to their respective homes.
I have planned, shopped for and prepared meals. I have cleaned house, several times. I have entertained and been entertained. I have travelled to visit family and friends, some near, others far from me. There is no mental or physical "I have to get this done for the next event" list.
The washer, dryer and dishwasher are all working as I type.
And not long ago I had one ugly, ugly, hard working cry. One of those cries that starts at a depth that surprises me each time it is revealed. One that was guttural and literally made me sick to my stomach and I had to make a mad dash to the trash can.
It would be easy, convenient and understandable to blame it on "after holiday blues". After all, it is completely normal to be drained, physically, mentally and emotionally from the holiday chaos, good and bad.
It would also be a "little white lie" to do so. Something that is plausible and has a bit of truth in it. But there is so much more.
It is the mourning of what was and will never be again.
It is the celebration of what had never been, but now is.
It is the giving and receiving priceless gifts.
It is the cost and reward of loving deeply.
A cost I will gladly pay, over and over again.
I have learned that most things worth having don't come easily or cheaply.
Put everything away today. At least while the tree was up I had the feeling of Carole being with me. Now it's kinda bland. Couldn't stay up to midnight last night, just too sad. No New year kisses and cuddle time.only three months and seems like forever.
ReplyDeleteyep.
ReplyDeleteReally not looking forward to 2019. First ever year with out Carole's input into our life. Friend of mine said I need to find what will fill in the vacancy in my world. I know God has a plan. Praying that I will be attentive to His leading. Nothing can fill the hole in my heart.
DeleteNothing can fill that vacancy or take her place. Someone told me, early on, that there was a Bill sized hole in my heart-and at first I was offended/scared because I had only ever heard that each of us has a God sized hole in our heart. After contemplating and wise counsel from someone I love and trust I realized there is a Bill sized hole in my heart-a place that no one will ever fill. The raw hurt has healed over the last 4+years, but it is still very tender and not filled in. Kind of like a huge gash that heals over, but cannot fill in. How could it since my heart was knit together with his and he was called home and I was left here? One thing I have learned is that with God as the love of my life (a lesson He taught me while Bill was still here) I can continue to walk and live and learn and serve and minister. It looks very different now than it did when Bill and I were walking together, but there is beauty in this new life too. It takes time to see it, and if you do not ask God for eyes to see it, it is easily missed. Keep praying. Keep looking. Keep listening to Him.
DeleteChristmas and birthday and New year- just too much emotional stress.
ReplyDeletethat is a lot ot face in a very short time-I am glad you recognize it for what it is. Love and prayers for you and your family every day brother.
DeleteYou know I haven't sat at our kitchen table since she died. I don't think I would be able to get through whatever I was eating without bawling. So for who knows how long, my table is a TV tray.
ReplyDeleteI have eaten a lot of meals sitting on my couch. Just recently I have started eating at the bar occasionally. Less than a handful of times I have eaten at the table. You are doing well.
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