where did that come from?

As I was walking yesterday, not thinking about anything in particular except keeping my eyes on the uneven sidewalk to keep from tripping so I didn't faceplant, a memory hit me hard as I passed the building Bill's office was in. It felt like he was looking out of the conference room window, and if I looked up I would see him, smiling and waving at me. I half expected my phone to notify me I had a text-and I knew what it would say. "I see you walking. I love you. See you later." It was so real I said "I love you Bill". Outloud. To no one.

Bill in Salekhard 2013
I do not remember seeing this photo before
and I have looked through his pictures from that trip many times.

This afternoon the same type of thing happened. I chose to do laps around the park for my walk. As I rounded the first turn I was transported back more than 20 years ago. I could feel the discomfort, and yes, even some pain of that of the first walk I took outside, holding tightly onto Bill's arm for support, after I was given the okay to do so following a major surgery. I also remembered how patient and gentle he was and how we celebrated that painfully slow progress. 

Somewhere in between those two events I looked up and thought I could very well be looking into the face of my dad's twin. I knew it couldn't be my dad because he has been gone from this earth for more than 16 years. Except it couldn't be a twin because he didn't have one. I miss my daddy too.

And my dreams recently-well, to say they are full of adventure, color, details, emotion and the like would not be an exaggeration. I can't get much rest for the work I am putting in while I sleep!

It makes no sense. None at all. But I have been on this road long enough to know that there doesn't have to be a "reason". That there is nothing to be gained by fighting whatever it is that is bringing these thoughts and circumstances to mind. So I am back to making sure I have Kleenex close by, doing what I can, when I can. Reminding myself how tiring grieving is. And being thankful for the deep love I've shared.