it's okay to cry

This picture was taken when Bill came home from Siberia 9/17/13.
He had gone to spend a few weeks with Deborah's family.
That visit changed something for him, in a good way.
If it didn't mean he'd have to leave Jesus I would love for this to happen right now.
If this is what happens after I get to see Jesus when I go to heaven, I would not be sad. 

tonight I am missing Bill more than usual

I am always mindful that he is gone
but tonight-
tonight there is an ache the size of the Grand Canyon in my being
and an ugly cry is wracking my body, coming and going in waves

it isn't a special day
there was no warning
there should be no reason for it
nothing out of the ordinary has happened today
to bring on this overwhelming sadness and longing 

• to be held by him
• to hear him working in his office here at home
• to see his smile
• to hold his hand
• to hear "I love you"

I want to be wrapping gifts for him

I want to be thinking about what stocking stuffers I can get him

I want to be listening to his plans for what we will do while the kids are here

I want him to hit the snooze one too many times for my liking

I want to hear WGOH/WUGO playing in the shower in the morning

it is one of those nights I am feeling jealous 

it is one those nights I will wonder: "should I have posted that?"

it is one of those nights when I am weary clear down to my marrow

it is one of those nights I will spend praying that I choose truth, not feelings

thankful my God is a loving Father who delights in holding His children close

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 

2 Corinthians 1:3&4