time is not the same

time

I am befuddled by it

I look at my friend's little girl who will be two in February

and am ashamed I have yet to make it to her house to play with her

my intent was to go and spend time rocking her as soon as she was born

I figured it would be good therapy

because just a few months before her birth,

Bill died and I was looking for reasons to celebrate life

as her momma and I talked at the Christmas parade Saturday evening

I apologized and told her, 

"I look at her and shake my head.

I cannot believe she will soon be two.

I think about how long I have been without Bill and shake my head.

I cannot believe it it has been just over two years.

How can two years pass,

and it seem like it was just yesterday or today or a lifetime ago, 
depending on the day.

I feel like there was life before Bill
life with Bill
life now, without him
and time is not measured the same"

I am pondering that time passage thing again tonight

My kids are good to me.

They are patient and kind.

They let me do what I need to do to grieve and heal.

Even though I know there are things they miss, they don't pressure me.

Christmas has looked very different and they haven't made me feel guilty.

After Bill died in August of 2014 about the only thing from the past that I had any ability or heart to use was the nativity set some friends made us as a going away gift when we moved from Akron to Grayson. Even though we had bought a brand new tree in 2013, I couldn't use it in 2014. I borrowed one from a friend. She gifted it to me and I used it again last year.

Tonight when Ruth asked if I wanted her and Kyle to get down all of the Christmas boxes from the attic I took a leap and said yes. She helped me look through them. Most of it I hadn't seen since Christmas 2013. I was surprised at no tears. Not even when I opened the shoebox that has the ornaments that belong to Bill and I in it. I did not go through it, but I did take a quick look. We combined the new ornaments I bought the last two years into the box that holds the old ones so they are all in one place now.

When all was said and done, I chose some old things and some new things to display. Nativities. Wooden Christmas trees. Mom Bondurant's green ceramic Christmas tree. And found three different stashes of Christmas cards totalling at least 18 new boxes. I do not remember buying all of those cards. When we found the last set I looked at Kyle and said "This is why you don't let a grieving woman who has lost her mind go shopping by herself." His reply? "Well, there are a lot worse things you could have bought...at least these are useful."

After Ruth and Kyle took the kids home to put them in bed I got to work. Everything we left out of the boxes is displayed. 

Well, almost everything. 

For the first time in years we are going to put out the houses that make a village. Somehow they lost their place here and found a home in Bill's office. He enjoyed them and took more care and spent more time arranging them than I ever did. Ruth decided she is not interested in using the ones I bought him that were used only at KCU. The plan when she left tonight was to clean off the top of the bookcases in the library tomorrow and arrange the village there where we can enjoy them and not worry about the kiddos messing with it. It's a good plan. She is pretty excited. I think it is something she has missed. A lot. She asked me if it will bother me. I told her I don't think it will. And if it does, I will simply avoid the library! 

two years ago Bill traveled from earth 
where time is measured in seconds and minutes and hours
to heaven where I have no idea of how time is measured

This is our third Christmas without him.

Time together as a family is not the same as it was before.
It is much more precious.
We try to spend it wisely, 
and appreciate each opportunity we have to be together.

💗