moving forward by looking back

have you ever doubted yourself
wondered if you have been wasting your time and misspent your energy
second guessed most of the decisions you have made 

when I was a young mom I went through an intense period of questioning:
"What will I do if something happens to Bill?"
"How will I provide for my kids?"
"Why did I give up my free education at Akron U?"
"I don't have an education to fall back on."

all the while knowing that
if I had continued my education my marriage would have suffered
I quit after 6 weeks of classes because I had to choose what I was going to focus on learning- how to become a teacher or how to be a Godly wife. I know me. I would end up neglecting one or the other, I couldn't do both well. And I am just a smidgen competitive. I want what I do to be done to the best of my ability most of the time. I know some of you can balance school and family and do well. I applaud you. I just knew I could not. 

all the while knowing that
God is a good Father and He promises to provide all that we need when we need it. 
He faithfully had, day after day, often in unexpected ways provided for me. For us. I recognized that truth early in my walk with Him. Slowly my regret over not pursuing my education melted away as I learned to trust Him more. To this day He still has never failed me. Not once. And I rest assured He never will. Unlike me, His faithfulness is flawless. 

which brings me to recently
when I have once again been doubting myself
wondering if I have been "chasing after the wind"
or if I have been chasing hard after God's Spirit
questioning if I have been doing Christian stuff 
or if I have been living like Christ

this morning the scales were peeled back from my eyes
I saw clearly that along the way I have allowed my focus to shift
I was distracted,
becoming more and more concerned with what other people think
comparing my ministry with theirs
and,
in my evaluation, 
coming up short
allowing myself to be convinced that any ministry I have done 
was reliant upon my relationship to someone in my family
not seeing that I have and am "doing it" separate from them

as I sat quietly before God this afternoon I repented:

• of doubting, not only myself, but ultimately Him
• of trying to please men, not Him 
• of striving to fit in with men's ideals rather than the being thankful for the direction and paths He has led me on
• of second guessing the choices I have made
• of devaluing abilities He has given me
• of discounting passions He has placed in my heart
• of jealousy that my ministry does not seem to fit a mold or program
• of trying to see what is not mine to see
• of laboring to "figure it all out" rather than continuing to walk in faith and confidence that God is at work in me and for me
• of forgetting that God has always made it clear, by one means or another, when it is time to change something in my life

what a sweet time of renewal

what an encouragement it is to regain focus  

His past faithfulness fuels 
my present assurance that I am where I need to be, 
confidence to do whatever He puts before me to do
motivation to continue to walk one obedient step at a time

I am well on my way to seeing what's next 
and it looks like more of the same rewarding life
taking it step by step, trusting that God knows exactly what He is doing