three years a widow

I am not going to lie, 
yesterday was a rough one, 
I was not ready for the intensity of sadness and grief that engulfed me
maybe today,
but not yesterday!
I thought; "three years out, it ought to be easier this year"
it hasn't been, so I didn't write

the tears started falling as I sat under my umbrella at soccer practice
I was honest with three out of four people who asked;
"are you okay mom?"
the tears fell on and off through the evening
it got intense late last night
as I sat on the couch, and later kneeled on the floor
I thought; "If this a precursor to tomorrow I am not getting out of bed."

at one point I seriously thought I was losing my mind
I noticed that a friend was still awake so I messaged her,
desperately transparent, 
wishing she didn't understand, but thankful she did
she assured me that I was not losing my mind,
encouraged me to let the tears flow,
reminded me that deep sorrow accompanies deep love
understood that this is not how it is "supposed to be"
and ended with "take it easy on yourself tomorrow"

I went to bed hoping for the best,
prepared for the worst
I slept surprising well
I woke up encouraged and feeling peaceful
I am sure it was the covering of prayers lifted on our behalf
I took care of what needed taken care of first thing in the morning
and headed out the door for chapel with a light heart

a dear friend left this on my porch bench early this morning
messages of encouragement have filtered in all day
just before lunch there was a knock on my door-
Benjamin stood there with a beautiful bouquet in his hands
his sweet momma, Jess behind him
make no mistake, 
Satan has thrown fiery darts,
but I rebuked him;
"Not today Satan, you are not going to distract me today."

I was reluctant to open FB 
but oh what I would have missed if I had given in to fear of more tears
my children, 
those I birthed and those who grew in my heart,
have written beautiful things about Bill
things that have encouraged me and made my heart smile
what an incredible day, 
tears and all, 
today is turning out to be