welcome home

I just returned from my first overnight soccer trip this season.

I have decided to buy stock in Puff's and carry a big box with me at all times-
or make my own pocket packs.

As we travelled in the vans yesterday,
at random times,
my mind would recall snippets of Friday August 29
but there was nothing a few blinks and a single Kleenex didn't take care of.

Sitting on the bench watching the girls play,
when we were deep into the second half
my body/mind got fidgety.
I looked at the time-
almost 6:00.
Details began to flood my mind
and I was thankful I had sunglasses on
because tears began to flood my eyes.
Before one of them slipped down my face
Jeremy, the assistant Women's coach,
sat down next to me.
He asked me how I was doing.
I shook my head.
He held my hand and sat close to me as the tears rolled,
Joshua, even as he coached the girls let me know he was aware of my pain.
I was thankful I was able to hold it together enough to not distract the girls,
I was thankful for a full pocket pack of kleenex
and I thanked God for loving me through Jeremy and Joshua.

The crashing waves passed and didn't return until I woke up this morning.
I was thankful to be in a room by myself so I could grieve privately.

I have felt a little like a ping pong ball emotionally.
Never quite sure where I will end up when I get hit.

I was searching the KCU website to check on a game time-
and Bill's face was there in front of me
along with the tribute honoring him.
I won't lie,
my heart lurched,
but the waterworks didn't start.

As we travelled from Powell Tennessee toward home
I received some texts and phone calls reminding me I am loved.

Tonight, when we hit Morehead,
the place I always called Bill from to let him know we were 35 minutes out
"It"  (grief) smacked me in the face
as I acknowledged that coming home was not going to be as sweet as it used to be.

When we would pull into the parking lot,
Bill's was the face I looked for,
the one I knew would be there to welcome me home.
He was always excited to see me
and I was always excited to see him.
He would greet me with
a  smile,
a discreet kiss
and a huge hug.
Then he would gather up my bags,
load them into the trunk and drive us home.
I would take a potty break,
and he would unload the car.
We would grab tea or water, sit on the couch
and talk about the games, where we ate, the travel "stuff"
and what had happened in Grayson while I was gone.

Tonight, riding in "Old Betsy" for those last 35 miles,
I sat with tears streaming down my face,
thankful it was dark,
thankful there was no air conditioning because
the windows were down and the noise muffled my sniffles as
I processed the fact that I would not be seeing the face
of my beloved husband when we pulled into the KCU parking lot.

Andrew greeted me tonight.
He smiled,
he hugged me,
he loaded and unloaded the car.
It was nice,
but it definitely was not the same.
We didn't try to make it the same.
We both knew it wouldn't be, it couldn't be.

In the last few years I have often told my family
"I am not suicidal, but I am ready to go home."
Meaning,
I am not going to do anything to shorten my life here on earth-
and as long as God gives me breath,
I pray and work so
that I will mature in Him
that I will know Him better
that I will walk in obedience
that I will remain faithful to Him
that I will grow to love Him more completely
that I will bring God honor, glory and pleasure daily
that I will live so that when others see me, they see Jesus
that I will not miss opportunities to share His love and His story.

I am confident that Jesus is preparing a place for me.
I am confident that one day He will come back for me.
I am confident that I will get to live in the place He is preparing.
I am confident that I can see God here on earth, but it is a dim reflection.
I am confident that the more I get to know Jesus, the more I see the Father.
I am confident that when He calls me home I will finally get to see Him face to face-
I am confident that when He welcomes me home it will be the sweetest homecoming ever.
I don't know how it will happen,
if we will sit and talk or if it will just be,
but I look forward to knowing God fully-
because the snippets I know of Him,
the parts I catch here,
make me hungry to know Him fully.

John 14:1-7 
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

I Corinthians 13:8-13

"Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Being with God, unhindered in our relationship, is why I want to go to heaven.

His (God's) face is definitely the face I will be looking for when I get to go home.