Cornerstone

Stormy.
Heavy.
Those are good descriptions for how today started.

The shock is wearing off.

I awoke with a heavy stomach.
Heavy limbs.
I stayed in bed, resting my body and somehow fell back to sleep.

I had a nightmare.
It must have been my mind trying to process last Friday.
Last Friday as they brought the crash cart into Bill's room
I left the room
and began praying
"Lord, I want You to be honored in this.
If it is for Bill to be home with You-
give me grace to continue to walk faithfully.
If it is for him to be brought back,
that would be wonderful.
Just please help me to stay focused on Your truths."
I remember telling the ones who work at the hospital who came
to check on me, to see if I needed anything while others worked,
"God has a plan.
An eternal plan.
I do not know what it is.
I do not have to like what is going on.
But I know that God is working."

Friday night, August 29
I was held by the peace that passes all understanding.
No ugly cry at the hospital.
I never screamed.
Never hit anything.

I continue to be held.
But since then
there has been some screaming
there have been lots of tears
Ugly cries.
This morning there was a nightmare:
I was grieving the loss of someone.
"They" came to tell me they were trying to save Bill
I was pounding a wall.
I was screaming "I can't lose him too!"
I was crying the ugly cry.

I woke up-
relief flooded my mind as I realized
I will never have to go through that again.
Bill will never suffer again.
Bill is home.

I never imagined walking the road of widowhood at this point in life.

I thought about it when I was younger.
How would I raise six children without him?

I had thought ahead to when we were older,
hoping that we would go home together.

But not now,
not when our children are grown and married,
the house is paid for
not when we were at the point of more freedom
to travel
to sit and enjoy each other's company without being interrupted by a need to "parent".

I am thankful.

I am thankful for the love Bill and I shared.
I have no regrets.
I am thankful for the children we were blessed to birth and raise together.
I am thankful Bill was here for each one of their marriages.
I am thankful that those marriages involve spouses who know and love God.
I am thankful for our grandchildren and the time we shared together loving them.

I am thankful that the tears don't last all day long.
I am thankful for times of rest and reflection.
I am thankful for laughter.

I am thankful that in the midst of this storm
our Rock
our Anchor
our Refuge
our Fortress
our Foundation
our Hope
our Rest
our Hiding Place
is God Almighty-
and He NEVER changes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEhSk7bfbK8