dreams and nightmares

Early on in this new life I had a nightmare. All I can remember is I was pounding on Bill's chest, yelling "stay with me, just hang in there and stay with me, it will be okay." I was thankful when I woke up crying because the reality is I will never face Bill's death again.

Last night I had a dream. There was some kind of concert going on in the park across the street from our house. I needed to come into my newly remodeled home and somehow the musicians had moved to my neighbors newly refurbished porch-people were having a great time, they were admiring the house and I was happy. The next thing I knew I was at the high school with Sarah and a dear couple from church eagerly waiting for Emily Stephens to perform in a concert. At intermission Tom was congratulating a man who was newly married-he had been a widower for four years. Tom quietly and gently explained that my husband had recently passed. I said I was not going to stay for the second half of the concert and walked out to get in my car. 

Bill was sitting in the drivers seat. He was looking down at his lap, like he was getting directions. He started backing out. I waved my hands to get his attention and yelled for him to stop-I couldn't get home if he took the car. He looked up, saw me, stopped the car and I immediately thought "I don't know if I can get in the car with him. It will be too hard to spend time with him. I know he can't stay." 
My door bell rang and woke me up, so I don't know if I would have gotten into the car or not, but it was a dream that felt like a nightmare when I woke up crying because the reality is I will not travel anywhere with him again.

Others have walked this path before me.
Others are walking this path alongside me.
Others will walk this path behind me.
Death and life are intertwined.
Dreams and nightmares are mingled.
I am not sure where one begins and the other ends sometimes.

The layers keep getting peeled away.
The Lord continues to provide-
this morning comfort came in the form of being held by Sarah who also brought me breakfast in bed and encouraged me to nap. 
Which I did. 
Until almost noon.

Family, thank you.
Friends, thank you.
Prayer partners, thank you.
Father, thank you.
There is no way I could walk this path on my own.