life on stand by

Being on stand-by describes large parts of my life right now.

I came out of Kmart last night to a beautiful snow globe-like existence. Large fluffy snowflakes were drifting to the ground, sweetly wooing me, inviting me to take a walk while they swirled gently. Which I couldn't do even though the temperature was perfect. It was almost 10 PM. Not a safe time to be walking by myself, even in Grayson. So I drove home, opened the blinds, watched the snow fall and wished things were different. I texted a friend and told them I had almost called them to meet and walk with me around KCU. The only reason I didn't call was I knew it was not a good time for them. They offered to be on stand-by for a walk the next time we have a night time snow fall. 

Stand-by works well right now. 
I like seeing people enjoy life. 
I find joy watching people get on with their plans. 
I do not want anyone to be on stand-by while I am. 
I do not want anyone waiting on me so they can go on. 
I do not want lives to stop because mine is different than I thought it would be. 

Stand-by is safe. Comfortable. I am waiting. Watching. Thankful for beauty. And when I find myself with someone in the middle of beauty or pain, I often invite them to share it with me. But what do I do when I find myself  alone in the midst of beauty or pain that begs to be shared with another person? How do I move from "stand-by" to "active" status? Who am I supposed to contact? My kids are not always available. They have lives of their own. 

I feel a stirring in my soul. I am remembering things I quit pursuing because I enjoyed them but Bill didn't and they weren't important enough to me to hang on to. I am hesitant. I am uncertain, I feel awkward-like back to middle school awkward. I am slowly trying to figure out ways to be more engaged. I don't want to be annoying. I don't want to be an unwelcome interuption. I am surprised because sometimes I find myself desiring to walk smack dab in the middle of the wonder of new experiences. That scares me a little. 

Being on stand by is a risk.
When you are not sure you want to leave where you are,
stand-by can feel safe,
stand-by can feel comfortable.
But when you are eager to be on your way,
stand by can be frustrating,
stand by can be a source of anxiety.

Stand-by is temporary.
It is not the way we are meant to live all of life.

"I am the gate; whoever enters through Me will be saved.They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

John 10:9-10