how to help someone who is grieving

This was on my Facebook wall today:

Donnette I have another friend that just lost her husband yesterday after(I think 35-36years) what is the best way to minister to her? help please. Thanks

This is my response-edited for spelling and grammar,
and expanded because there is more room here.
This is not an all inclusive list. 

Know that no two people grieve the same.

Don't judge.

Pray for her-every day-and if she crosses your mind, especially pray then. God's Spirit is at work.

Make sure you carry good Kleenex to share. 

When you are with her, let her take the lead. 

Let her cry if she wants or needs to-by herself, holding your hand or in your embrace, on your shoulder. Let her moan, scream or be silent. 

If she asks you to go with her to to the bathroom because she thinks she is going to throw up, offer to hold her hair if it is long. Offer to get her water to swish with. If you have a mint or gum, offer it.

Don't make her think there is a right way or a wrong way to grieve. 

Sometimes laughter comes at the weirdest times-and may be seen by some as "inappropriate". If she has something to laugh about, encourage her to laugh.

Don't expect things to "go back to normal"-what was normal is gone.

Don't expect anything-
Don't be surprised if there are no tears. 
Don't be surprised if there are just a few tears. 
Don't be surprised if there are buckets of tears. 

Don't be surprised by the tears that come "out of no where". 

She may be angry-don't take it personally or as a measure of her faith. 

If you spent time with her on a regular basis before, be there now. 

But don't expect her to ask you to be there. 

If you were not a regular part of her life before, don't expect her to lean on you now-but don't be surprised if she does turn to you if you make your self available. 

Don't be hurt if she doesn't lean on you.

Don't preach.

Don't think you have to fix it-you can't.

Don't exclude her from things you usually did together. At the same time, don't be offended if she turns down an invitation to go out. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you. More probably it means she doesn't want to deal with all those "other people".

Don't be surprised by ambivilent feelings-sometimes I think I want everyone to know I am a widow-sometimes I feel like it is branded on my forehead and I don't want anyone to know.

Weariness, bone deep weariness is normal.

A card or note saying I love you and or I am thinking of you is helpful. 

If you are Facebook or text message buddies, that works too.

Make yourself a note of the day of the week,(ex. Friday) the time if you know it (evening)(but don't ask if you don't, God knows) the date (August 29, 2014)-and pray especially at those times. She may not be thinking oh, today is Friday, he pased on Friday. She may not be thinking, it was this time of day when he passed, but if she is like me, her body knows and her body may play havoc with her emotions. And if she is thinking about it, she needs the extra support.

I am not at a year, but I am thinking it will be nice to have prayer support on the anniversary Bill went home.

Send a card in a week or two-in a month-in two months-in six months-at random times-anything to let her know you haven't forgotten about her. I received hundred(s) of cards initially. I have one friend who continues to send a card "randomly"-it is comforting to know she still thinks about and prays for me.

Your life will continue on as usual, and it should, but hers will never be the same. Don't expect her to be the same.

The shock wears off in stages. 
And you may be there when the wheels come off the bus.

Ambushes happen-out of nowhere something attacks. Innocent things, but they take you under nonetheless.

Like envelopes with both your names on it.

Or filling out forms that require you to list next of kin or emergency contact person. If you have always had your husband listed, it can be like a knife to the heart.

If she feels safe with you she will let you know what she needs from you.

If she doesn't, she probably won't. 

Don't be offended-don't make this about you. 

Don't say you understand. You did not live her (their) life.

I guess I should stop now-I think you have just given me my blog post for today 　 Love you