escape to Mahjong

curled up on the couch this Friday night
wearing Bill's OSU sweatshirt for comfort
under a Kohl's fuzzy, light blue polka dotted blanket to ward of the chill
with a box of soft and strong Kleenex on the table (just in case)
after moving things back into my bedroom earlier this evening

my intent was to also finish putting books away in the library 
that would make two rooms 90% put back together
but instead I am mindlessly playing Christmas Mahjong
to keep my mind from wandering to places I don't have the energy to visit
it is safer than mindless shopping at kohls.com or amazonsmile 

I sat with a dear friend to eat lunch today
I don't know what she saw 
but she asked me, "how are you?"
and my tears started, 
again

"it has been two and a half years..."
"it's been 25 for me"
"I thought it would get easier..."
"sometimes it is almost harder"
"the other day I thought I heard Bill call my name"
"when I get up at night I still slip quietly back into bed so I won't disturb him"

so many thoughts and memories have swirled through my head today
I am almost dizzy 
one of them is "Saturday is always easier than Friday"
it didn't make me "feel" better, but it did help me regain focus
another-"I will never have to face Bill's death again."

I am thankful for love
I am thankful for friendship
I am thankful for hope
I am thankful for joy
I am thankful for Jesus and the life He offers

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I am also thankful for peppermint tea and free Mahjong
time to go fill the kettle to brew another cup
and plug in my computer so I can continue playing
it is Friday night
Saturday morning (and sleeping in if I want to) is coming