the face I fell in love with

The past three days have seen tears, many of them over Bill.

There has been an ugly cry, maybe two or three.

It isn't a "bad" thing-it's just a thing.

It started Tuesday, Valentine's Day, when I found out Baseball is returning to KCU. Bill helped coach Baseball at KCU briefly when we first came to Grayson. He played from Little League through Akron University and I mean he PLAYED, not simply that he was on the team. He enjoyed all sports, but baseball was HIS sport. He would have been so excited and I would have been watching a lot of college Baseball with him when this team is up and running.

That afternoon I intended to sort through the piles of books on the table waiting to be shelved when the library floor was done. I decided there was no danger in opening one of Bill's journals. I read the first page and I was finished. I looked at nothing else on that table. I was drained. This is why:

"Jan. 1, 2006 

My family is very precious to me, it was such a blessing to have them all present for Christmas...it is something you can't take for granted. I want more than anything for all of them to grow in their walk with you. I pray that Donnette and I will be a witness to them of God's awesome love, goodness & mercy. Lord, I pray that we are always ready to meet You...... in the twinkling of an eye, everything can change --- may my life be a reflection of You."

I felt like it was a foreshadow. I was transported back to the hospital room where, in the twinkling of an eye, in the span of three ragged breaths, everything DID change. For all of us. Thankfully Bill WAS ready to meet You. We had no warning that his life here was closing. It gives our family peace to know he is Home. I thought about how, now especially, we do not take for granted any time that we get to share with one another.

Wednesday, after the workers left for the day, I excitedly went into the first room that is totally finished. I call it the Library, but it was Bill's office. I don't remember how many years ago I re-worked it so there would be a special place just for him. Forest Green paint above, stained chair rail, wallpaper below. It was beautiful. Now there are small marks and tears in the wallpaper. Where the baseboard heater was the wallpaper doesn't meet the 5" baseboard so the bookcases go on that wall. It really needs redone. But I can't. And when I walked in last evening and saw the floors, baseboard and shoe mould done, my eyes became waterworks. Weeping and wailing happened.

Today I went through the filing cabinet. Again. Pulled out financial papers that are old enough I don't need to keep them. Warranties that are outdated. Suddenly I was aware that the time is quickly coming when the financial papers I have are ones that reflect my decisions. Mine alone. And my heart hurt. Tonight as I burned credit card statements with a few tears making trails, I thought, "Bill doesn't have to fret about making sure the receipts are accounted for, and he doesn't have to do line item recording anymore."

I am always aware that he is gone. There is a hole in my life- a "Bill shaped hole" that only he could fill. (God fills me up so I am content.) But there is a place in my heart that bears the scar of having loved and "lost". (I also know exactly where Bill is, so he isn't lost. But sometimes I feel lost without him.) So many things have made me feel his absence more strongly this week. 

And each time something comes up, I have to make a choice. 

Tears will fall either way.

I can dwell on his absence or celebrate the memories of his presence.

I choose celebration.

"take me out to the ballgame..."