what is grief

Death changes life.
For the one who has taken their last breath.
For the ones left to continue breathing and navigate grief.

what is grief?

If you had asked me that question 2 1/2 years ago 
my answer would have been far different than it is now.
It probably would have been something like "extreme sadness over a loss". 

Today has been one of those heavyweight wrestling days.
They don't visit as frequently as they did at first, but they do still show up.
This afternoon I came up with a partial answer if asked that question now.

grief is personal, it is different for every individual
grief is universal, everyone faces it at some time
grief does not make sense, there is no  formula for figuring it out
grief does not play fair, it sets its own rules

it is not something to "get over" like a cold or the flu
it is not a lack of faith
it is not an absence of joy
it is not a weakness of character

For me, grief has included a variety of things-here are a few
confusion
denial
wishing
lamenting
flashbacks
silent tears
weeping and wailing
unfulfilled dreams 
wondering
wandering
regrouping
change
loss
intense
shadowy
wrestling
draining
choking down sobs
suffering through (or indulging in) ugly cries
an ambush of emotion
weariness that penetrates to my core
surges of energy
smiles
giggles
laughter
memories
limbs that feel weighted as with concrete
a heaviness in my chest, as if an elephant were sitting there
a roller coaster ride of ups and downs

grief is like an onion-layer by layer revealing more of itself 
grief sometimes clouds my vision
grief sometimes allows me to see more clearly than I ever have

it is a time of intense growing

it is a time that calls for leaning on people you can trust

it is a time of exploring
it is a time of purging
it is a time of holding on
it does not consume my life, but it has become an *integral part of it  *necessary to the completeness of the whole:

Because of the deep grief in my life, 
I am different.
I am stronger,
I am more aware,
I am more joyful,
I am more purposeful in my relationships,
I am more deeply in love with Jesus.

Because of Jesus, who He was to Bill and who He is to me I know where Bill is. I know that he is more alive now than he ever was while I knew him. I know when I take my last breath here I will be going home. That fuels my hope. It feeds my joy. It gives me strength. 

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." John 14:1-6

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep,  that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18