when the last nerve is hit

This is my third National Tournament with the  girls.

My first with the boys.

Tonight was the banquet.

For the first time our team was dressing up.

I chose my standard black jeans and a nice top.

At the last minute I packed a little black dress, belt and cardigan.

I drew the line at how far I was willing to go with "dressy"

and packed my Nike sandals. 

When it came to decide what to wear tonight, 

I chose the dress.

It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you,

but for those who know me well, 

this was a huge decision.

Donna Dixon, if you are reading this 

I want you to know I even wore a necklace.

As I sat on the bus after the banquet, tears began to fall.

I think it is a combination of things-

not getting enough sleep last night,

remembering watching Ruth play here,

realizing today as we drove to the field in vans 

that Bill was one of our drivers the first trip we made,

and the energy it took to "dress up".

It didn't help that I received a text,

wanted some clarification so I asked a simple question

and received a smart alec reply.

My immediate reaction was anger and cuss words.

And kind of wanting to sucker punch the sender.

My second reaction was retreat.

Sometimes I get very tired of being the "grown up",

of being the "bigger person",

of doing the right thing,

of making the right choices,

of being the one to show grace.

I want to shout- 

"You are an adult.

It is beyond time for you to grow up.

Get your head out of your butt.

Think about someone other than yourself."

When that happens, 

I know I need some serious alone time with Jesus.

To be honest about how I am feeling,

to pour out the hurt,

to repent,

to hold onto joy,

to get re-centered,

to find comfort in Him,

to draw on His strength.

We had a team meeting when we got back to the hotel.

I was not very focused.

I was trying not to cry.

I was planning my escape route for after.

I came to the room to get my computer

and my roommate said

"I am going to do homework with one of the girls."

I was blown away.

Tell me that God does not care, 

He does not see, 

He does not provide

and I will call you out.

And since I have had my serious alone time with Him

I will be able to do it in Christian love,

with grace and kindness.

No punches.

No anger or cussing.

Jesus makes the difference in my life every day.