jumbled mess

they sneak up on me randomly...
thoughts
memories
reminders

sometimes
...they smack me in the face
...they lull me into pleasant remembrances
...they thrust me into temporary panic about the future

sometimes
...I feel like I am crazy
...I feel like I am adjusting really well
...I feel like this all just a bad dream and I am going to wake up soon

a friend tagged me in a Facebook post this evening 
and asked if this looked familiar
If I drew a picture representing my experience with grief
it would look a lot like this

no particular order 
no rhyme or reason
just a lot of jumbled stuff 
interwoven, tangled and consuming

this may be a helpful representation 
for those of you who are trying to figure this grief thing out
either because you are wrapped up in it or someone you love is
nothing feels normal and orderly because nothing is normal or orderly

the longer I walk this road I am exposed to more grievers
the more of them I communicate with honestly
the more I realize that this "mess" of feelings is pretty common
and the "mess" isn't something we can "clean up"

I am watching the ones who are ahead of me
it seems like the "adjusted" ones are those who accept 
that the mess becomes part of us and we learn to live with it
rather than ignore, try to cover up or run from it