an open letter to new widows

Dear sister,
we did not choose this new place in our lives,
but it is a place we have to figure out how to live in.

This is a collection of thoughts
written solely from my experience
after 56 weeks of being a widow 
it is an overview, it is not exhaustive 
it may or may not be helpful to you.

this pain is deeper than any pain I have ever experienced
it hurts in ways 
and in places
I never knew existed

being a widow is by far the hardest work I have ever done
how do I go from being knit together
to being alone,
from sharing life to not having Bill to share with

everything seems to take more:
more time
more energy 
more focus

At first, I couldn't sleep so I took something to help me sleep
I couldn't make my bed 
I may not have eaten if someone hadn't brought me food
I couldn't have faced life without Bill without the Lord

I know Bill is gone but sometimes it doesn't feel real-
I know we had years together
but  we were supposed to have more time
"How can there be no more time to make memories?"

I do not understand why
I do not like that it happened
I do not think those things bother God
I think He is big enough to handle my honesty

I don't have to understand
I don't have to like it
to trust that God is at work in my life
that He will continue to work in my life

I know I am loved by my children
by other family
by friends
but it isn't the same as married love 
and I am not talking about sex

I never knew I could cry so much
over nothing
over everything
in public
in private

Bill did a lot more than I realized
I have "new jobs" 
I can either do them
or have someone else do them, but they need done

there is a lot of stuff to figure out-
but most of it did not need figured out immediately
I slowly learned I had to prioritize,
to focus on what HAD to be done and to let some things slide

"How do you eat an elephant?"
"One bite at a time."
is a pretty accurate word picture 
of how I attacked the mountain of "stuff".
I learned to delegate
and to allow people to help
to swallow my pride and say "yes, please and thank you."

no one can do this for me
it is different for every one of us
no two relationships are the same
no two losses are the same

there are a lot of well meaning people
who want to say or do something to make it better
and unintentionally they sometimes do or say things that hurt
so I am learning to look for and try to appreciate the intent

I get angry,
absolutely P*****
without cause
at random times

I need people in my life
I always thought I would thrive as a hermit
I have discovered that is not true
I need a balance of alone time and community time
and the balance does not mean equal amounts of time 

life goes on
and while I want to always be happy for other people
sometimes it is very hard to rejoice with them
while I am grieving my loss

I will not "get over this"
it is not something to "get over"
it is something I have to accept as part of my life story
one that will continue to be written for as long as I breathe

dear sister, in closing I want you to know, you are not alone.
It is okay to feel lost-this is a totally new land you are in.
There is no map I can give you to help you find your way because I do not know where you are headed.
It is okay to feel broken-you are.
Life as you know it has been shattered.
The only advice I can give you that I know will help you find your way is to seek hard after God-allow Him to work in your life, to heal, to help, to teach, to provide, to protect.

Love and prayers,

Donnette

PS
joy can co-exist with sorrow
thankfulness does not equal being glad or happy
hope is a light in the darkness
love outlives death