reminders

it began Sunday:
small reminders of what was
increased wake up calls to what will never be again
they are always there, but the awareness is heightened 

waiting for service to begin I read an inscription in my Bible
"from Bill, Christmas 2002"
earrings were one of the last Christmas gifts I received from Bill

Monday I mowed the lawn and took the trash cans to the curb
both things Bill did
now it is my responsibility 

a song in chapel Tuesday, one that made me cry last September
"...one final breath he gave..."
it is about Jesus, but took me back to my last moments with Bill

Today I had to take my 25th anniversary ring off and store it,
the prongs are worn and I may lose the diamond if I wear it
I won't have a ring for each of my girls, we ran out of anniversaries

Hoping the boys would pick "Get Smart"  to watch as we travel today because the other option is a movie I last watched with Bill, 
part of a series he really enjoyed

Using bleach to clean and not worrying he won't be able to breath
Attending soccer games and not seeing his face afterwards
Not sitting in the lobby waiting for him to go to the cafe
Taking care of and making business decisions
Coming home to an empty house at night
Friends mourning the loss of loved ones
Arming and disarming a security system
Washing and vacuuming the car interior
Putting his magazines in a pile for Beth
Throwing away mail addressed to him
Attending a whole volleyball match
Not printing the gas receipt
Reconciling our check book
Not saving every receipt 
Buying my own Taco Bell

none of these has "sent me over the edge"
but I can feel the heaviness growing in my chest
pretty sure an ugly cry is working it's way into my near future

thank goodness for pocket packages of good Kleenex