to do or not to do, that is the question

to get from here

to here

takes about 25 minutes and several turns

Some of my church family was meeting here today.

Should I go or

should I stay home?

I am not too proud to admit that I am directionally challenged.

That is why "to do or not to do" was even a question.

When I asked for the address I was sent exact directions.
I don't want to divulge the exact location of this haven, 
so I am going to condense the instructions I received:

Go south on Rt. 7...
follow the detour turning right...
left at the fork in the road
right onto 409 
left onto Johnson Creek
cabin is on the left,
look for a sign...

I had been there once years ago for a Ladies Retreat,
so it wasn't like it would be my first time out there.
True, I didn't drive last time.
And I do not pay close attention to directions when I am not driving.
But it wasn't like I had NEVER been there.

It is a beautiful, restful, relaxing, healing place.
The afternoon was perfect to spend outside.
I was craving fellowship
so I decided to "do it"- 
to brave the adventure on my own.

I made it with just one tiny mishap 
that took less than a minute of back tracking to correct.
I arrived excited and proud of my accomplishment.

I thoroughly enjoyed sharing the afternoon with friends 

Night began to fall.
The crowd had thinned considerably.
I took inventory of who remained,
relaxing around the fire,
patiently waiting for our preacher to arrive after evening service.

I counted
9 couples (or people who are part of a couple)
2 children
a teenager
me

My heart clenched and I swallowed back tears.
These were all people I know love me
but I felt more alone than I do when I am at my house by myself.
They all had someone they belonged to-
most were sitting next to "their person".

The hurt was not because this was a place 
where Bill and I had made any memories together.
The pain came 
from not having him by my side 
to make any new memories with.

The preacher arrived with his mother
She is also a widow.
She has been on this road longer than I have
and is one of my examples and encouragers.
We briefly talked about how different life is for us now.

One of her children recently asked her
"mom, you did that by yourself?"
Her response went something like this
"Well, what else am I supposed to do? I can do it by myself or stay at the house and mope around. I am not going to do that."
Amen sister, amen.
Preach it.

I hugged her.
She reminded me,
it doesn't make it easy, 
but I do have a choice 
and sometimes it is to do alone or don't do at all.
So, I will continue to step out to do things that are not easy,
things that stretch me and cause me to grow.

"to do or not to do..."
That was the question I asked myself 
as I was getting in my car to head home 
and I decided to "not do".
It is a decision I regretted about 8 minutes later.

I made a left where I should have made a right. I ended up needing to make u turn and added about 20 extra minutes to my trip. My prayer life increased as I drove an unfamiliar dark country road with no cell service and memories of other times I made a wrong turn and would call Bill to get straightened out and redirected :)

For anyone who is worried, please don't be, I am safe at home.
And please do not lecture me.
I promise,
if I am in that position again I will "do it".
I will swallow my pride and ask to follow someone.