regret, anger, tears and grieving

I was one of "those" people yesterday and it made me sick.
A well meaning person who cares and desperately wants to help.
I did something I have written about not to do.
I made an assumption based on Facebook status'.
And most of us know what happens when you assume.

I made a public apology.
Prayed I had not added pain to a burden that was already too heavy.

Spent the afternoon and evening angry with myself,
metaphorically kicking myself in the rear end because I know better.

Resolved to not make that mistake again.

I was surprised by the amount of grief I felt last night.
There were tears, more tears, an ugly cry and an uglier cry.
I cried for myself.
I cried for Ashley and those who loved Jeremy.
I cried for everyone I know who is grieving.

This morning I woke up angry at death.
No parent should ever have to bury a child.
No parent should be left alone to raise a child.
No child should have to bury a parent.
Death was not part of God's original plan for mankind.

This evening I was weary,
desperate for an escape.
The beach is too far away
so I did the next best thing.
I built a fire in the fire pit.

As I sat relaxing, listening to crickets and watching flames dance
I thought
I cried
I prayed
I rejoiced

I thought about how an unknown person's kindness last fall made it possible for me to be enjoying a fire this evening and I thanked God once again for my "wood fairy".

I thought about how Bill and I couldn't enjoy a fire together, as much as he wanted to, because the smoke bothered his lungs and I thanked God that isn't a concern any more.

I thought about how this is the first fire I have built solely for my pleasure and thanked God that I knew how to build one.

I cried because tonight was one of those times when the desire was almost overwhelming to be wrapped up and held tight and be told with words my ears could hear "It is going to be alright" while listening to a beating heart. I don't know if it is harder to have had that and lost it or to have never had it all, but I do know it is a huge struggle sometimes.

I cried because there is no way to have that physical contact without it being awkward. So I came in the house and for the first time put on Bill's Ohio State sweatshirt and tried to pretend I was being held. 



I trust that God is faithful to provide all that I need so I must not have needed to actually be held, but oh how I wanted it. 

I cried because I was sad and I live in a place where pain and suffering and hurt and grief and loss are part of life. 

I pray that I will be faithful until God calls me home.

I pray that I honor God as I continue to live here.

I pray that people see God's love in and through me.

I rejoice that I am one of God's beloved.

I rejoice that I do not walk this road by myself.

I rejoice that one day I am going home where there are no tears, no sadness, no pain, no suffering, no night, no death.