the grief stick, pulling weeds and receiving God hugs 234/366
The grief stick has been pounding me hard, especially these past few days. My chest is heavy. There are periods of time it seems like I am walking through quicksand with cement blocks tied to my feet. I'm physically worn out. I've been here before and I know it will not last forever, but I feel like it might.
This week I've been having relentless flashbacks from six years ago, reliving events leading up to meniscus repair surgery on August 19th and memories of Bill taking great care of me, especially the first three days because doctors orders were no pressure at all on my right leg and only up to go to the bathroom. My heart is conflicted because alongside those memories is the now knowing what was coming ten days later.
This evening, after soccer practice I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and swung through DQ's drive through and ordered the double cheeseburger $6 meal because I didn't have the energy to fix anything for supper. I finished the burger, fries and about half of the coke and realized sitting at home, by myself, was not going to be a good option for my mental and emotional health.
There is a project I have been wanting to get to and conditions were perfect so I grabbed a black trash bag and my stool and drove down to KCU, parked my car in the inside lane of the main entrance exit, got out and began pulling weeds. It is something I used to do when Bill worked late. It allowed me to be close to him (relatively since he was in one of two buildings on campus) and it kept me productively busy. Tonight I just needed to be doing something that would have been normal six years ago, before life changed forever.
I thought the satisfaction of seeing this bed weeded would be my "reward" for pushing myself out of the house. But between beginning at 6:44 and ending at 8:34, God showed up three different times. Once when a friend stopped and made sure I had water. A little later a student I've seen but not met stopped and thanked me for weeding. Lastly, as I was finishing, two of my soccer guys stopped to make sure I was okay. They saw my car parked, but hadn't seen me working in the bed and were concerned. Three balms for my heart and reminders to not limit how God will show His love and concern for me.
This week I've been having relentless flashbacks from six years ago, reliving events leading up to meniscus repair surgery on August 19th and memories of Bill taking great care of me, especially the first three days because doctors orders were no pressure at all on my right leg and only up to go to the bathroom. My heart is conflicted because alongside those memories is the now knowing what was coming ten days later.
This evening, after soccer practice I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and swung through DQ's drive through and ordered the double cheeseburger $6 meal because I didn't have the energy to fix anything for supper. I finished the burger, fries and about half of the coke and realized sitting at home, by myself, was not going to be a good option for my mental and emotional health.
There is a project I have been wanting to get to and conditions were perfect so I grabbed a black trash bag and my stool and drove down to KCU, parked my car in the inside lane of the main entrance exit, got out and began pulling weeds. It is something I used to do when Bill worked late. It allowed me to be close to him (relatively since he was in one of two buildings on campus) and it kept me productively busy. Tonight I just needed to be doing something that would have been normal six years ago, before life changed forever.
I thought the satisfaction of seeing this bed weeded would be my "reward" for pushing myself out of the house. But between beginning at 6:44 and ending at 8:34, God showed up three different times. Once when a friend stopped and made sure I had water. A little later a student I've seen but not met stopped and thanked me for weeding. Lastly, as I was finishing, two of my soccer guys stopped to make sure I was okay. They saw my car parked, but hadn't seen me working in the bed and were concerned. Three balms for my heart and reminders to not limit how God will show His love and concern for me.
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