but, God... But God...

I've often said "But God" are two of my favorite words

because when I read them in Scripture, 

I know something powerful is coming

this morning while I was riding the struggle bus 

and as I went about my routine

I heard them the way I often use them and I didn't like what I was hearing

"but, God..."

I've been praying for wisdom and direction about several things

and early this morning God answered one of those prayers, 

clearly,  

in a way I could not mistake or rationalize away

and I am ashamed to say my reply began with

"but, God, are you sure I should? 

Because I am still not convinced."

I walked for almost an hour,

trying to clear and organize my thoughts

and so I could add a heart to my daily activity calendar

as I put one foot in front of the other with some pace today,

my eyes were continually drawn up, to the sky

dark and gray

and I thought about how what we focus on affects the way we see things

but, God-

I am afraid

I am tired

that will be uncomfortable

do you know what they are saying...?

do you know what he/she did...?

I don't wanna

they don't deserve "it"

or, but, God, they DO deserve it

on and on went the litany from past conversations

God, I know I've prayed to You,

and I know without a doubt this is your answer,

but, God, 

are You sure I should...

walk through that door?

begin that...

give...

accept...

follow...

forgive...

But God is faithful

God is kind

God is patient

God is gentle

God loves me

He drew my eyes to see a bright new penny on the ground

a reminder, once again, "In God I trust"

and He quietly whispered in my ear 

"Yes, child, simply trust and obey-I've got you."

"But, God"

I really need to work that out of my vocabulary

"But God," 

now that phrase holds power and beauty

and it is worth holding onto

"And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. 

But God, 

being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:1-10