Trust Issues
There are things I trust without thinking about the fact that I trust them.
Everytime I sit down I am trusting that the couch or the chair or my 32 year old rocker will hold me safely, that it won't collapse and dump me on the floor.
Everytime I drive I am trusting that all the other drivers will obey the rules of the road, that my car will run properly and that the tires will remain inflated. Even though I was t-boned once, (which resulted in suffering and a long process of healing from a fractured sternum, left wrist, ankle) and had a tire go flat on the interstate (and I trusted the biker stranger that stopped and changed my tire). I don't let those experiences keep me from getting in my car and travelling.
I trust that the food I buy at the grocery store has been processed safely. I do check dates, especially on perishables, because I am not quite so confident in the stock being rotated the way it should be.
I trust that the electric and water coming into my home will stay in the conduits they travel through.
I trust that the people who prepare and serve my food at a restaurant have used safe food handling guidelines and good handwashing practices.
I trust that the envelope I put a stamp on and drop through the slot of the mailbox will be delivered to the correct address in a timely manner. Even though experience has taught me that isn't always the case, I continue to buy and use stamps.
I trust that my friends and family will be there for me when I need them.
I trust that God loves me. That He has an eternal plan that He is working. That He is not surprised by anything that comes into my life. That He will provide what I need, when I need it. But...
Currently I'm in a holding pattern with two health things, waiting to see doctors who are qualified to evaluate what, if any, treatment is appropriate/needed. I trust God. Fully and completely. He has never failed me in the past and I know He will never fail me in the future. He ALWAYS provides what I need when I need it. But I want to help, and especially this time, to know how He is going to work it all out if surgery, not therapy is needed. My mind is making a rut in my brain as I run through plans of action...and I know I am foolishly wasting energy better spent on living in the present.
I was standing in church this morning, arms raised in worship as we sang and that "stuff" flashed through my mind and for a few minutes I was distracted as I worked through a revelation:
"Trust doesn't take away all of my questions or concerns."
What a good word was spoken to my soul in that moment.
Because I was able to identify one of the reasons I have been weary recently. I've been subconsciously wrestling, big time, with a question: "If I trust God, why am I having all of these questions and concerns? If I trust Him I shouldn't be wondering about what if..."
"Trust does reveal where my dependence is."
It was a good word because it led to self reflection and admitting that I was teetering very close to the edge of dangerous, unstable self reliance.
"Trust doesn't take away all of my questions and concerns. Trust does reveal where my dependence is."
I know my God is big enough and loving enough to not be threatened by my questions and concerns. I know that He wants me to bring every one of them and the worry and fear that are waiting alongside of those things to Him. I know He wants me to rest in Him. I know He wants me to allow Him to carry my burdens. I know I can trust His unfailing love and never ending faithfulness. I know I can trust His provision because past experience has taught me He is reliable.
The good word spoken to my heart and soul today revealed that I'd allowed myself to get distracted, allowing seeds of doubt to rest in the soil of my mind. Thankfully, I know how to keep them from taking root.
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