holding onto Jim Beam

or

"when ours becomes mine"

Over and over I have written about adjustments that come with moving from married to single. In my case it was widowhood that put me here. "Our life" became "my life" in a matter of seconds. People I love find themselves in this place after a lingering illness. Others are here after a breakup. 

Some have told me that what happened in my case is the best way, that it is much easier than watching someone you love waste away a little bit at a time. Always spoken by people who didn't face a sudden loss. And to be honest, I want to ask them how they know that. But I don't. I know they are hurting and they think it is helpful and reassuring. And since I haven't been in their shoes, I can't judge whether or not they are right. I think it would have been excruciating to watch Bill suffer. And I am thankful he didn't. But I also know how very difficult it is to know we didn't get to say our goodbyes. 

When Bill died there were some things I let go of, actually probably pushed out of my life quickly. Some examples: his extra after shave, razors, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. most of his clothes- they were his. Now they were mine, but I didn't want them. So I gave them away.  

It wasn't hard to say what was mine that I would never wear or use again. For example: several of the things I wore when we went to Florida a few months before. Some things I was saving for the next trip we made. Night clothes. The dresses I wore at the viewing and funeral. I gave them away.

Tonight I am thinking about how I have processed things that were ours. For a long time I did not, I could not, think of them as "mine". Our joint checking account that he paid all of our household expenses out of was only for that-if there was something special I wanted, it came out of my personal business account. Our home was still our home and the only changes I could foresee making were ones we had talked about together, that he had, in fact, already put into motion to happen. New siding, new windows and central heat and air.

Tonight I also realize that "ours" has become more "mine". I have accepted the mantle of ownership. This is my home. The renovations that have taken place since last fall are my choices. There are some things I have done that are very different than what would have happened if they were still our choices to make. And I am comfortable with that.

It has not been an easy journey. The struggle has been real and intense. At times almost immobilizing. Sometimes I have had to simply stop and rest for awhile. More sorting, more purging has taken place. And there is yet still more to do. Little by little it will get done. My goal is to sort through the boxes in the attic by the end of this year, before the kids and their families and I go to the beach again. 

And I am hoping that by then I will also be able to pitch that unopened box of Jim Beam Salmon I bought in early August 2014 for Bill and I to share. I can sit here and know that it isn't any good by now. I can tell myself I need to throw it out. But when I think about following through I remember how it was going to be an important part of our "get healthier" meal plan. And I hang onto it. Some may call it silly. I guess I am holding onto it as small part of our life together and I am not ready for it to be out of mine.