life doesn't stop when you are grieving, (part two)

when I read the title of my post from March 17, 2015
Life Doesn't Stop When You Are Grieving
I knew I had to re-read it 
I planned to simply re-post 
because I am once again strongly feeling that truth 

as I read it
I knew my original post wouldn't work tonight
it is not a reflection of what is going on in my life right now
and the situation I wrote about will never again be an issue
because the person I was coveting prayers for is no longer on this earth

but the title, well, it still fits
and tonight I needed to revisit that reality
because when I think there cannot possibly be anything new to face
I seem to be proved wrong
and am reminded that the hole created when Bill died will always remain

I have joy
I have peace
I have rest 
I know I am loved
I am well cared for

BUT:
I struggle with jealousy sometimes
I fight against pity parties on occasion
I wrestle bitterness, envy, and feelings I can't control
I battle thoughts that are irrational

because I know if I don't fight back, those things will dominate my life
I will lose my joy
peace will be a thing of the past
rest will be beyond my grasp
and I will be an ugly, lonely, miserable woman

life does not stop when you are grieving
there are choices to be made, 
every. single. day.
life does not stop until your heart quits beating and cannot be revived
and I think that can happen before your heart muscle gives out