when "take it to Jesus" isn't enough 49/366

"Take it to Jesus"
I have heard those words 
and I have spoken them,
sometimes blithely,
not taking into account the weight

today I am reminded that while it is the right thing to do,
sometimes it's hard,
very hard,
to execute
some days taking it to Jesus isn't enough

some days
getting to Jesus through the "feelings" is exhausting,
like walking uphill
both ways,
barefoot through muck and mire

I forget that when I take "it" to Him 
He also invites me to rest there,
in His presence,
and take however long I need in order to be able to leave "it"  there
rather than walk away with it still in my hands/heart/mind

Today 
I keep taking my heart to Jesus
because it feels 
like it has been pulverized
or like it has been put through a meat grinder

I am missing Bill
the hand holding, the hugs, the being held, the texts and phone calls
and the rain
and the clouds are not helping
to dispel the "feelings" of heaviness

I know, 
without a doubt, 
based on experience,
that more than likely 
tomorrow will be lighter/easier/"better"

I also know I needed to write this blog,
as uncomfortable as it is to spill my guts,
because as I have written 
I have worked through all of this,
and am reminded that it is okay, no more than okay, it is good

to acknowledge my pain
to grieve my loss
to cry the tears
to wait before Him 
only He can heal and comfort this kind of hurt