letting go, gracefully

My goal, from the time I learned I was carrying any one of my babies was to teach them to know 2 things

1. Jesus 
2. how to function as a responsible adult 

I am beyond thankful that as adults they choose to walk with Jesus.

Some days though, I struggle with the whole responsible adult thing because I succeeded. They don't need me. They have all flown the nest and established homes of their own and have filled those homes with a family. And not one of those six homes is in Grayson. 

Each one of my children has combined their ability to function as an adult with their desire to follow Jesus and He has led them all to move away. (Yes, I have talked to God about that.) Jonathan, 35 minutes away, has been the closest. This weekend that will change significantly.

I rejoiced in the beautiful, bright sunset Tuesday evening as I drove to their home to eat supper and then join them for Addi's Christmas play. My heart was full of happiness and easy to give praise.

I drove home in the dark, tears streaming down my face, heart breaking as my mind processed reality: tonight was probably my last visit there. They'll be busy with last minute packing so I don't expect them to visit Grayson.  Already I miss going to school events, little league games and spur of the moment visits or suppers together. 

I know letting go and sending my children off with my blessing to do what God has called them to do, where He has called them to do it, is good and necessary for a healthy relationship. But letting go doesn't get any easier, no matter how many times you've done it and knowing it's good and right doesn't make it easy on my heart. 

Sometimes praise is a mixture of conflicting emotions and sometimes letting go gracefully makes cracks in your heart and leaves a trail of tears on your face.