date day

Every day I pray for God to make me aware of His presence. 
I practice looking for Him.
Sometimes I have to look a little harder.
Sometimes it is as obvious as the nose on my face.
Today held a bit of both experiences.

is it age?

or grief?

a combination?

I'm not sure, but time is weird(er) now.

I was on my way to Huntington this afternoon and for a minute, one that seemed to simultaneously make time stand still and rush by all too quickly, I was transported back 8 years. Back to when I would shop for and wrap gifts and Bill would pick out the tree and put the lights on it and we worked together to make Christmas work. I blinked and that sense of companionship was gone as quickly as it came. 

I was on my to Ashland a few hours later. The road I was driving on runs alongside railroad tracks and a long train was chugging forward. I was once again sent back in time, seeing Bill's face, and remembering his enjoyment of trains, bred and fed by his Grandpa Wolfe. This time, well aware he isn't here, I was wishing hard that he was. Mourning his absence while rejoicing that he is home in heaven. 

How can I have been a widow for more than seven years and still have moments when I feel like I am still married? The longer I live this new life the more I realize that love doesn't die when the person it was reserved for does. And sometimes it's hard to figure out how to redirect it in a healthy way.

One last stop, Kohl's on the hill. It had been a long day. I was ready to quickly finish my errands and head home. If you know, you know. It was a few minutes after 5:00. 5:08 to be exact. And I heard Him wooing me. 

Stop.

Sit with Me.

Don't worry about what the people coming in and out of the parking lot think.

Stand in My presence.

Watch what I am about to do.

And for the next thirty minutes, time stood still as I basked in the love of my Father.

Even in the store I couldn't stop from craning my neck to see Him at work.

I stepped outside for one last picture before doing what I'd come to do.

20 minutes later,as I left the store, I relished the last strokes of deep color.

I could have missed this date with the Love of my life if I hadn't been aware of His wooing. But today, I did hear Him and I chose to listen. The result was an hour of continual unfolding beauty, of heart calling out to heart. Of time standing still. Sitting and standing in His presence, soaking Him in, was a beautiful way to spend today's last hour of sunlight. It left me feeling the way I feel after a full day at the beach. Satisfied. Content. Overwhelmed, but in the best way possible.

"Cease striving and know that I am God..." 

from Psalm 46:10

Psalm 19

The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display His craftsmanship.

Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make Him known.

They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard.

Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world. 

God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. 

It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding.

It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race.

The sun rises at one end of the heavens and follows its course to the other end. 

Nothing can hide from its heat. 

The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul.

The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. 

The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living.

Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair.

They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb.

They are a warning to your servant, a great reward for those who obey them.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?

Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

Keep your servant from deliberate sins!

Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to You, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.