she misses being Mrs.

it's been three long days since I last wrote
I haven't gone this long without blogging since I started after Bill's death
it isn't because I haven't had anything to say
I just haven't had the words 
and I am not sure I do today
but my fingers ache to touch the keys
so here I am

wondering where to start
so many thoughts 
have been tumbling through my head
so many feelings 
have been wrangling my heart
I have learned that feelings are fickle, unreliable
so I battle them and focus on calling to mind truth

and therein lies the struggle of the past few days
today I surrendered
and I acknowledged the feelings
refused to ignore or deny them
rather, I stopped and looked at them
held them
accepted them
cried over them
and admitted I wanted to scream them

the pain of not having Bill here, with me, is constant, 
but not consistent
it is not always stifling, 
but there are moments
it is not always stabbing, 
but there are instants
it is not always in my thoughts, 
but it is always in my subconscious
it is not always overwhelming, 
but there are times when it takes my breath away
and is almost suffocating

there is an ache,
like a deep bruise that can't be seen
it just kind of throbs, 
sometimes it fades 
so that I am not fully aware of it's depth
(or I have become so accustomed to it I don't realize it's severity)
the pain has trained me to avoid touching it
but sometimes something rubs up against it
and there is no escaping the pain

it's a strange dance, 
this thing called widowhood
I had prayed myself up and mentally prepared for our children to leave 
but never did I pray about or prepare myself to live without Bill
he was the most constant, reliable, dependable person in my life
I guess that is why, even though it has been almost three years 
I still feel disoriented and unbalanced at times without him

I have a good life
I am not miserable
my children and friends are wonderful
I have peace that passes understanding
I have joy that penetrates every fiber of my being
I know without a doubt that I am loved and cared for
but all of that does not keep me from missing being the wife of my husband