Even if...

I did not write yesterday because, frankly, I was too tired of writing about weeping (and from weeping) to process what was going on in my head and think through what to write that would be a reflection of my heart. 

I ended my night sending a message through tears, stopping more than once until I could see to continue typing, to a dear friend I rarely see, but is in a position to empathize with my jumbled emotions. I poured out my anguish to her. I asked her to pray. I want to honor God. 
I went to bed exhausted, too tired to cry anymore.

Then came this morning. 
And God spoke to my mourning.
I am working through the Old Testament, today's reading was 1 Samuel 30.
I  did not get past the first 6 verses.
It is enough.

"Now when David and his men came to Ziklag on the third day, the Amalekites had made a raid against the Negeb and against Ziklag. They had overcome Ziklag and burned it with fire and taken captive the women and all who were in it, both small and great. They killed no one, but carried them off and went their way. And when David and his men came to the city, they found it burned with fire, and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. Then David and the people who were with him raised their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep. David's two wives also had been taken captive, Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail the widow of Nabal of Carmel. And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God."

You may be thinking; "What?" 

A raid. Fire. Loss.

"Where is the encouragement?"

Captivity. Bitterness. Stoning.
"How does this passage nourish your soul?"

"Then David and the people who were with him raised their voices and wept until they had no more strength to weep."

They had suffered great loss. They acknowledged it. They allowed themselves to express it. There was no hiding it. No trying to minimize it. They grieved openly and heartily. Corporately. Application: it is okay for me to weep until I have no more strength to weep. It is okay for you to weep until you have no more strength to weep. Even if others hear the heart cries and see the tears.

"But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God."

This.
This is what my goal is every single day.
To find my strength in the Lord alone.

However, the enemy attacks. Tries to take me captive. I believe the lies: to weep openly is shameful; I should not make others uncomfortable with my tears; grief should be private. I know better than to listen to the whisper, "You are the only one who hurts this way." Sometimes I am tempted to believe that if I was finding my strength in the Lord there would be no more tears.

Today I am reassured that to weep over loss is expected.
I am challenged by the idea of publicly shared grief being acceptable.
I am reminded to not let loss be fertilizer for the root of bitterness.
I am reminded that pain can cause people to act irrationally.
And my confidence that God is my strength is bolstered.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;

    in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;

my heart exults,

    and with my song I give thanks to Him."

Psalm 28:7