growing pains

as I was working at church last evening
I could feel an emotional storm brewing
I was hoping I could finish 
and make it to the privacy of my home
but that was not to be
as I finished swiffering the sanctuary floors, 
it let loose in full fury

I sat on the inside end of the second pew on the left
I grabbed the box of Kleenex sitting there
and sobbed
and prayed
and groaned
and was thankful I was by myself 
I held nothing back

I don't know what the trigger was that took me back to the evening BIll died
but the longer I cleaned
the clearer the memories became

sitting by his bed, playing a game on my phone as he rested
hearing four or five ragged breaths, looking up
seeing three tears trailing from his right eye toward his pillow
calling for the nurse because he wasn't breathing
leaving his room because I didn't belong there
kneeling and praying in the hall
noticing chimes over the intercom announcing a baby's birth

I have often pondered that contrast-
one family, hopefully, welcoming and celebrating a small addition
our family definitely grieving a huge loss
and as that rolled around again, a new thought occurred to me 
that baby and I have something in common
we were both, without asking for it, thrust out of our warm, safe place 
into a strange, uncomfortable, sometimes hostile world

today, two years, seven months and four days later
neither of us is who we were then
neither of us should be who we were then

if that baby is still living, 
it has grown and changed 
unless you have been there all along the way you would not recognize it now
there is a big difference between a newborn and almost three year old
in order for me to keep living, I have changed too
you may not see it, 
but those who've walked closely with me recognize it and celebrate with me

to those of you who pray 
thank you
to those of you who are my cheerleaders 
thank you
to those of you who read my writing
thank you
this journey would be much more difficult without you

to my family
and especially to our God:
you are priceless, I love you dearly and never want to do life without you