ambushing triggers

I am going to stop trying to figure out triggers

it is a waste of time and energy

there is no rhyme or reason,

like ambushes

I don't see them until it is too late to avoid them

Friday, a few miles outside of Millersburg I started crying,

it made absolutely no sense-

that was my place to go and visit, 

not "ours"-

these were my friends who accepted him,

not the other way around 

like so many of the people in my life

when Chris wrapped me up in a hug

the waterworks started again

his wife scolded him and asked what he had done or said

and I explained there was no reason, 

I should have added that sometimes my eyes just leak

sitting in a recliner in a quiet corner so I could concentrate this weekend,

computer on my lap

working away on my blog post

or working on a photo project

tears fell randomly

another hug from Chris Sunday morning with an invitation to spend another night-

more crying

driving home today, 

an hour from home,

passing B Dubs I almost started boo-hooing again

we had never been there 

but I had a vivid flashback to sitting there with the girls soccer team

a few weeks after Bill had died

and needing to leave and go sit in the van,

sobbing before I ever made it out of the restaurant

and after about 30 minutes calming down enough to go back in

and ordering celery sticks for dinner because nothing else sounded good

I have accepted the reality that tears are simply a normal part of my life 

and I can accept that fact

or I can fight against it

which would be like boxing the wind,

useless