love is worth it

I thought I had it all figured out. 
When I went to bed last night I had identified the trigger for my tears.
Valentines Day is coming.
I was convinced this morning that is what is compounding the ache. 
Other holidays- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, even birthdays-
are more about family getting together. 
Valentines Day was about being Bill's sweetheart.

I walked into church this morning carrying Xavier's diapers and was greeted by a friend whose first words after hello were
"You know what today is, right?"
I replied, "tomorrow you are having surgery".
I was preparing to tell him I was praying for him when he continued with 
"It's Super Bowl Sunday. I miss him. I miss being at your house. I miss seeing you sitting at the table. I miss seeing my sister come in after church to sit at the table with you."

Gulp. 

"Me too." Pause. Swallow. Regroup. 
"This is Xavier's"  
as I frantically waved the gallon Ziploc containing  X's stuff in his face. 
"I will be praying for you." 
"I have to get these down to Xavier's class, can you give this to your sister?" (as I pressed a bag for her into his hands) and I made my escape down the steps, down the hall, away from further conversation and to avoid being embarrassed by bursting into tears in the vestibule. 

Though I had not been thinking about it, the Super Bowl was at least part of the trigger. I had forgotten how hard it hit me last year. It was one of the things Bill and I worked on together. We looked forward to welcoming people into our home. I am not a huge Super Bowl fan, but I do enjoy sharing our home with people and sitting back and watching them have a great time.

After delivering Xavier's stuff to his classroom I made my way to the Life Center. I was excited to see Elevate from KCU there to lead our singing. I know and love and have ties to both grandmother's of one of the girls. Her paternal grandmother is my friend Carole. I wanted to get a picture of Faith to send to her. As I stood, worshipping, I felt a strong hug to my right. it was Faith's maternal grandmother, Pam. Pam's family became part of my family for many different reasons. Pam's mother is Eileen who took me under her wing. One of her sisters is Marie who I spent last weekend with. Pam whispered in my ear, "Dan passed yesterday." Tears fell as I hugged her.

Dan. Her brother. My brother and a dear friend. One of the few men I have felt completely safe with. Protected by. Loved without any expectations of me being able to do anything for him. He did some work on our home. He and Eileen, after George passed, would take me and the kids out on Grayson Lake for an afternoon of fun. He let the kids drive the boat. He helped Jonathan, Andrew and Ruth when they were building their log cabin. He built them bonfires and let them drive his riding lawn mower. When he moved to Ohio we lost contact. Life was not kind to him. He had some deep hurts and struggles. I thought about him last week when I was in Millersburg, wondered how he was and if I might run into him as I had a few other times when visiting Marie. 

After church I approached one of the young men who is part of Elevate. "Kyle, I need a hug" "Of course" and as he wrapped me up in a hug I said, "I just found out this morning that someone I love died yesterday." He held me tighter. I began to cry and he prayed aloud as he hugged me. When I pulled away he reminded me that I could call on him if I need anything. Anytime.  A hug. Someone to mow the lawn, to paint the house, anything. 

As I sit here thinking about how God loves and provides for me tears of thankfulness wash my face. It is a good thing I do not wear makeup because it would be a waste of time, energy and money. And I would look like a raccoon.

I think I have it figured out.
Love is the trigger.
Loving deeply is what makes life worth living.
Anything worth loving makes it's loss worth mourning.
I would rather love deeply and mourn deeply than live in the shallows.

God is a good Father.
The family He has made me a part of is an incredible gift.
I am blessed to be loved well.

  "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, 

that we would be called children of God; 

and such we are."

1 John 3:1