excruciating

excruciating:adjective

extremely painful; 
causing intense suffering; 
unbearably distressing;
torturing

This time of year has been painful for years.
Expecting a baby. Twice.
Having those two babies in heaven, never having held them.
This will be the first season of facing that sadness without Bill.
Sometimes the pain of missing him is excruciating.

I don't want to be without my husband.
I don't want my children to be without their father.
I don't want my grand children to be without their grandfather.
I don't want Bill's friends to be missing him.
I don't want our church to be without him as a Sunday School teacher and elder.
I don't want the men he had been memorizing scripture with to be without his mentoring.
I don't want KCU to be without him as their Senior Vice President of Operations and CFO.

I do want to continue to grow in my intimacy with God.
I do want my children to grown in their relationship with their heavenly Father.
I do want my grandchildren to know the legacy of Bill's faith and to develop one of their own.
I do want Bill's friends to remember his unwavering faithfulness.
I do want our church to have new Sunday School teachers and elders.
I do want the men who were memorizing scripture to continue to hide God's word in their hearts.
I do want KCU to continue to have men of integrity in leadership and for a man who is chasing hard after God to come on board to help the University continue to make an impact for God's kingdom.

I am thankful that God has been working in me for years-
allowing me to face many different difficulties and heartaches 
teaching me to trust Him
teaching me to rely on Him
teaching me to build my life on Him.
God's grace and peace cover me.
When the pain is excruciating,He faithfully provides.
A friend on-line to ask support from, a "random" text, an e-mail or FB message from someone miles away, someone close enough to offer an embrace to burrow into.
I am thankful to be wrapped in the assurance of God's love.