intense

"On particularly rough days

when I'm sure I can't possibly endure,

I like to remind myself 

that my track record 

for getting through bad days

so far is 100%. 

      And that's pretty good."

(thank you Jess for the quote)

Yesterdays post about giving thanks in every circumstance was simply an invitation for me to be tested.

It is almost guaranteed to happen after I make public statements about what I know to be true.

Intense moments occurred last night.

I sat in the bleachers:
And relived countless hours spent in gyms with Bill watching Deborah and others we love play basketball. An act of kindness by a man for his wife triggered memories of the many times Bill asked if he could buy me a soda or water.

 I overheard a husband ask:
"Do you want to go to dinner with me to meet the new football coach next week?", The question was not directed toward me, nor should it be...now. 
But, six months ago it would have been.
I would have dreaded having dinner to meet new people. 
Now I dread the stark reminders that my husband is dead.

I listened to a friend explain to me:
Plans made for Valentines Day by three couples as I sat there, a single. To anyone I offended or hurt unintentionally when I was part of a couple- I offer my sincerest apology and humbly ask for your forgiveness.

I asked friends who are a couple:
"So, I have a question for you. Last week my 'go to when I need a hug' people were not available. If that happens again, can I come see you?"
I had to make sure they were both okay with me stopping by the office they share even if she was not there.

And at 1:30 AM I felt:
Afraid to go to sleep. That was a new experience in this journey. I could have awakened one of my children, but chose not to. Instead, after crying and praying, asking God to hold me tight, I laid my body pillow across my waist and slept with the light on. This from the person who chose to hang black out curtains so the street lights don't keep me awake. 

I struggle.
I know balance is out there.
What from the old life belongs in my new life? 

What do I hang on to?
What do I throw off?
What do I adjust?

On particularly rough days

when I'm sure I can't possibly endure,

I hang onto God.
I hang onto the truths found in God's word.
I throw off the doubts my "feelings" prompt.
I throw off any idea(s) that I can do this on my own.

I adjust the quote to say:

I like to remind myself 

that my track record 

for getting through bad days

so far is 100%. 

Because God is good.

The only reason I make it through every day, 

good and bad, 

rough and easy, 

is through the power of the Holy Spirit at work in me.

God's track record of faithfulness is 100%