baby steps

do I think you are extremely, or even remotely interested
in my struggle against mice and setting traps for them
or about my walks and conversations engaged in or avoided
or in any of the other "mundane" things I write about and post
not really
do I think I am the only one who struggles
or who has suffered loss
definitely not
I know and love people who have suffered more than I can fathom

then why do I continue to write and share
because they are part of the chronicle of this journey of grief 
they are testaments to life going on

there are things that need to be done 
and when the one who used to do them isn't around
someone has to step up 
and that someone often is me
or they don't get done

sometimes people are going to say things that trigger mourning
and sometimes you get the luxury of choosing
whether you are going to stop and fall apart in their presence
or if you are going to hold it together and walk on
sometimes there is no choice
the only way to avoid it is to avoid people
and that is no way to live 

even though Bill is not here anymore
the sun still rises
every.single.day
and the sun still sets
every.single.evening
the moon comes out 
and there are lots of hours to fill between the start and the end of my days

when a baby first starts something new,
smiling
cooing
sitting up
turning over
crawling
walking
talking 
initiating interactions with us
hugging us around the neck
giving us a slobbery kiss
it is a big deal
we celebrate 

in a lot of ways I feel like a baby
learning new things 
discovering new skills
and when I share them 
I am inviting you to celebrate with me
I am growing
I am changing
I am maturing
I am a different person
I will never get over Bill's death
but as long as God gives me breath
I will go on learning how to live,
finding joy and peace in this gift of life 

thank you for caring
thank you for joining me on this journey
thank you for encouraging me along the way