missing him always

June 14, 2014
Bondurant family reunion.
We also celebrated mom and Bill's birthdays.

There are times when I miss Bill so completely
that I find myself in an uncomfortable and ugly position.
I was there this evening.

I wanted to scream, maybe even obscenities at "it".
I wanted to throw bricks.
I wanted to take a sledge hammer and obliterate "it".
I wanted to run far, far away. 
I wanted to ignore "it".

But I didn't.
I couldn't.
Because "it" is a part of me.

"It" is helplessness, the knowing that there is nothing I can do to control grief.

I cried.
I prayed.
I remembered.
I know these times don't last forever.
I am better now, but for a time it wasn't pretty.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit."

I Thessalonians 5:16-19