free falling

how do you find right side up
when life is in an absolutely crazy free fall
and you are torn, dizzy at best,  
not knowing what the best thing for you to do is
or how long it is going to take to recover your equilibrium

when I found out about Willow's episode Monday 
I felt like I was going to stop breathing 
I was still reeling from concern over Sarah's visit to the ER 12 hours before
I kept vacillating between "Lord I trust you totally"
and, "Lord, please don't take anyone else from us."

lost in a sea of overwhelming emotions 
I sat
I stood
I walked
I prayed
I fidgeted
anything but being still

I knew Willow was in good hands
I knew Sarah was in good hands
but my feelings threatened to suffocate me
they were in Russell Springs, heading to Lexington
I was in Grayson, staying did not seem like the "right" mom thing to do

What do you want me to do Sarah?
Do you want me to meet you in Lexington?
Do you want me to go to the house?

She told me to stay with the camp team.
She said I needed to be there with them.
She said she didn't want me to drive to Lexington if it was nothing.

Obviously it was something, they were taking Willow by helicopter!
But, I understood what she meant. 
Willow was stable.

We talked after Sarah arrived at the hospital. 
When we found out they were going to keep Willow at least one night
I sent Sarah a text, knowing I would be in tears if I called
How can I best help you?
Prayer is a given.

She answered immediately:

"I don't want you at the hospital, for obvious reasons."

I had not considered that waiting in a hospital for tests and results

would probably cause a flashback for me, but she had

I wrote Monday's blog and asked her to read it before I posted it

her reply included more detail

The free fall began anew. My heart felt like it might stop. Tears fell.

"Those were the emotions I was feeling! Anger mixed with confidence that God has always been faithful. We don't know what each day may hold. But He goes before us. As I watched Kourt leave our bedroom, Willow lifeless and blue, I could only pray, 'God please give her, give US what we need to get through this trial, regardless of the outcome.'. All this while I was firmly telling the dispatcher that our address was indeed xxxxxxx (after telling her three times) I had to interrupt her and say, 'my daughter isn't breathing!!!!' Reminded us that we need to get the sign fixed...Please tell everyone thank you for praying. Prayers where we beg for more time, but more importantly that we will give God glory in all circumstances."

After getting the ER doctor's diagnosis Sarah wanted me to stay where I was.

In Grayson.

She wanted me to continue doing what I was doing.

Ministry with our camp teams.

So I stayed and shared updates with the teams and we prayed.

Tuesday we were scheduled to travel to BSCC to "practice" camp life.

Lack of cell service would make it challenging to communicate.

I told Sarah I would stay in Grayson.

Or I would drive to camp separately in case she needed me.

She told me to go. With the teams. Not drive myself.

so I packed

I drove my car to the rendezvous point

still unsure of what to do

I asked the leaders, Jeremy and Emily what they thought I should do.

Emily said go with them

"If you need to go to Lexington, we will take a van. 

I will drive you. It will be no big deal."

Relieved,

overwhelmed by love,

I climbed into the van with Emily and 6 college aged girls.

In the second van was Jeremy with 6 college aged guys.

This all seems like it started more than two days ago.

I had feelings of almost overwhelming anxiety when we got to camp yesterday

my heart raced, my stomach churned, my head spun a little

as I got caught up in thoughts

we have no cell service,  no internet access 

How will I keep updated? What if Sarah needs me?

I walked. I prayed. I constantly checked my phone. 

I kept walking.

I kept praying.

Miraculously I got a signal strong enough to make a quick phone call 

to relay emergency numbers in case they needed to contact me.

I was on edge all evening.

Waiting, almost holding my breath.

Hoping I would not see the camp director.

I caught a rogue phone signal again before bed.

I heard good news that Willow was still doing well.

I woke up this morning fighting anxiousness.

We had breakfast and broke up for quiet time.

The group near me was practicing music for campfire.

"Lord I need You, Oh, I need You, every hour I need You..."

The free fall ended with me wrapped safe in my Father's arms.

I caught another phone signal this morning, 

Willow was being released!

I got internet this evening so I can write and post!

We are again freshly, vividly aware of how fragile life is.

We have a diagnosis that is not life threatening.

We have more time with one another.

This time, we got an answer to our prayers that is easy to accept.