pain filled hours

on the brink of sleep last night
it happened again
that whisper of my heart saying "he's finally home from work"
the feeling it was true and that he was in the house
was so real 
I could almost hear his footsteps in the hall
I fully expected Bill to walk into the room
and for a few seconds my heart raced with gladness
and I was anticipating the feeling of being wrapped in his arms

until reality crashed down around me
my heart shattered anew
and I cried the ugly guttural cries of deep mourning

I turned on the lamp
thinking maybe I could go to sleep if there was light in the room
finally, at 1:15 AM
I gave up the pretense 
I made my way downstairs
I scheduled a credit card payment
I sent a few FB messages
I made a cup of peppermint tea
I went out to the porch swing

I breathed in the quiet late night/early morning
I once again vigilantly battled my way through my feelings
accepting them, experiencing them, allowing them their place

the fight that had started before I left my room,
my seeking hard after God's comfort and truth in the face of raw pain
and desiring an awareness of His presence continued
sometimes it is an epic battle that seems endless
but I have found that when I am faithful to be still before Him
He is faithful to allow me to know Him more intimately
and slowly, it happened
my heart quieted 
and I made my way upstairs to sleep a little after 3

lest you worry and think I am not doing well

I want to share a quote from an article* a friend recently shared:

Grief does not end. Rather grief comes and goes. And then it comes again.

 *8 Tips for Coping With the Death of a Parent

http://ow.ly/tgyO301gwS4