if at first you don't succeed....

As I was walking late this evening, nearing dusk, I saw a friend mowing his lawn as I started up my second hill. I waved hello. He waved back . As I approached his house afterward he smiled and teased, "I appreciate the offer to help me mow the lawn but I just finished." My reply, said with a smile as I continued walking, was: "My timing is impeccable." It was friendly banter and I was thinking about how close I was to being halfway done. It was hot, it was muggy and I was sore and tired. My friend was not done with our conversation. As I passed in front of his house he said, "I have been thinking a lot about Bill this last 24 hours..." I knew he was referring to the Cleveland Cavaliers win last night and all that means. My heart came up in my throat. I couldn't speak. I forced a smile and nodded, broke eye contact, swallowed hard, and sped up my walk. My reaction bordered on rudeness. I know it was invitation to stop and chat, but tonight I couldn't do it. 

It is strange to me. Sometimes I can listen to stories about Bill and tell my own tales and I am fine. Teary maybe, but the sadness is manageable. Other times, like tonight, it is overwhelming and I feel like I am either going to explode, smother or have a complete meltdown. It is really inconvenient to not be able to predict when grief is going to rush into full blown mourning. 

So, if you want to talk to me about Bill, please, don't hesitate or be afraid to do so. But also, please don't be offended if I walk away. I love to hear your memories. I love to share mine. But sometimes I am not in a good place to do so. If you catch me at an off time (when I walk or run off) please do not think you have hurt me or that I am offended. Bill's absence is what hurts me. I am always aware of it, so you talking about him is not going to "remind me" he is gone. It's just that sometimes, even now, it is too raw. However, I would enjoy it if at another time, in another place, you would please try again.