a blah day-they happen

It is here

one of things I have wondered about 

one of the things I have dreaded since Bill died

I don't feel well 

and I am home alone

I would have to be very ill before I would call someone

pride? not wanting to be a bother? independent? a mix?

anyway, God knows me, 

and He orchestrated a series of texts yesterday afternoon

before I began feeling bad

which resulted in a friend knowing

because I had to cancel joining her in some fun 

she checked on me last night and again this morning

in spite of my stomach hating me

and my body and head aching

I was able to fall asleep early last night

and I had a dream that was so real 

when I woke up this morning 

I fully expected to see Bill standing by the bed checking on me

because in my dream he was doing what he did so well-

he was taking care of me

this is the first time since he and I began dating, 

August 30, 1976

that I have been sick 

and he hasn't been by my side

today is a different kind of sad

a different kind of lonely

a different kind of pain

a different kind of grief

the empty trash cans still needed taken to the back yard

I still needed to get the mail

and the packages off the porch 

imagine my surprise at this label on one of the boxes

part of me wanted to cry

part of me wondered "what in the world?"

part of me joked with myself and said

"I wonder what he ordered"

I opened the package and found this:

It was something I ordered 

I do not know how I did it under his name

I did shake my head as I thought about the timing of it's arrival

and all that has transpired the last 24 hours

because another dear friend

who was concerned about me getting the nutrition I need

got me started on this the week after Bill died

and except for a short span of time I have used it every day

life goes on not as it did,

but nonetheless, life goes on

I am thankful for vivid reminders that I do not have to live it on my own

because sometimes, even though I know better, I forget

and sometimes I *feel like I do

*this is one more example of why it is important to live by what we know to be true rather than what we are feeling-feelings fluctuate and are fickle, truth never changes