"it takes one to know one" (notes from a griever)

"It takes one to know one"

That childhood taunt came up in conversation with a fellow griever yesterday. This post is a synopsis of our discussion combined with thoughts prompted by Sunday's sermon which included some grief stuff.

we think that maybe, just maybe, "it takes a griever to know a griever"

I get it
you love me
you want to help
you are not sure what to do
and you would love for me to tell you how you can help

can I be honest?

I love you
I wish I could, 
but I don't know what to tell you
I am still trying to figure this stuff out
riding what can be an extreme roller coaster of emotions

can I be honest?

if you see me,
rest assured,
I am "still" broken, 
BUT,
I am getting out of bed
I am eating (not always good stuff, but I am eating)
I am showering (most of the time)
I am leaving the house-
because if you see me, most likely you have not come to my house
honestly,
what more do you want from me?

I wish our culture
was better about knowing 
what is helpful,
what is healthy
what to do with grieving
but grief is uncomfortable,
so do you know what we are taught?

We are a child.
A beloved pet dies.
"Don't cry. 
We will get another one."

We are older.
Someone we love dies.
"Be strong."
"They are in a better place."

in other words,
hide that grief 
tears are a sign of weakness
we can replace what was lost
what you are feeling is not as important as what I want you to feel

it has been "awhile"
and you have gone on with your every day life,
as well you should,
as I wholeheartedly want you to,
but my every day life is anything but everyday now

want a few examples for every day, 
not everyday as in "common",
but every. single. day. reminders? 
I do not dwell on these,
but they are there nonetheless

I am not annoyed by the snooze being hit over and over and over again
I do not hear WUGO "news, weather and sports" in the morning shower
I do not receive a quick kiss and prayer as he heads out the door
I do not have hands to hold while I pray over a meal
if I don't feed the dog, he doesn't get fed
making sure the doors are locked, that's my job now
every night I go to bed without "Good night, I love you" sealed with a kiss

so when you ask me, "How are you?"
I am in a quandary-
do I say "I'm fine"
thereby avoiding a long, drawn out answer?
if I do, and you are close enough to sense the truth, you worry
if I say
"I got out of bed and I'm still breathing"
you worry and want to "fix it"
and there is no fixing this thing called grief

you know that verse that says
"rejoice with those who rejoice"?
Well, that is just the first half of Romans 12:15:

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

rejoicing with those who rejoice-
we are pretty good at that
it feels good, 
it is comfortable, 
it is happy

on the other hand,
weeping with those who weep- 
we stink at that

I don't think it is because we don't care
as much as it is
that weeping is incredibly personal
uncomfortable
and it can get downright ugly
if there is snot flying everywhere
and guttural sounds are coming from deep places we didn't know existed

It is interesting to me that Romans 12:15
is smack dab in the middle of a passage about what love looks like, 
not the elementary 1 Corinthians 13 love, which is beautiful,
but compared to Romans 12:9-21,
I Corinthians almost reads like a primer.

Romans 12:9-21

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

maybe it is hard for us to weep with those who weep 

because it is hard to do the things

that come before and after that verse...