fetal position grief

that is where I found myself last night
actually, 
very early this morning

I sat in my glider
tears running down my face
grief once again feeling like a heart attack in my chest

the tears stopped
I climbed into bed, 
laid my head on my pillow

and the tears started again
battle raging
weariness

thoughts
feelings
lies

"no one cares"
"you are alone"
"you are not special"

those 
scream most loudly
in the dark of night

I curled up, grasping for what I know to be true, 
I am loved, I am not alone,
praying for God to hold me

slipped out of bed,
to pray on my knees
clutching a pillow to stifle the sobs

back into the glider
praying
fighting

back to bed, more crying
give up, get up
downstairs for a cup of tea

thankful for distractions
praying
finally, 4:30 AM, sleep

light of day
Light of God
strength to keep fighting