going through the motions

going through the motions 

would be a good description 

of me at Christmas 

for several years before Bill died,

last year for sure,

and it is what I was prepared for this year 

I don't remember when or why it changed

because I know there was a time when I was excited about

the shopping

the cooking

the baking and delivering cookies

the card choosing and sending

the decorating

the caroling

the traveling

the surprising

the stockings

the wrapping 

okay, maybe not ever the wrapping part

but somewhere along the way 

it all went from being a labor of love

to just plain wearying labor to be completely honest, 

and for the last eight years or more

I checked out emotionally 

and in some ways physically

cards were sent out because they were important to Bill,

and he took care of making sure they were signed, stamped and mailed

the tree was purchased because Bill went to a lot and picked one out

when we went to an artificial tree it was a relief

we were to the point that Bill put on not only the lights,

but most of the ornaments on the tree as well

I don't remember the last time I baked Christmas cookies,

let alone the last time I wanted to bake them

so imagine my surprise this season

when I was anxious to pull the tree out before Thanksgiving

no ornaments at all this year, but lots of beautiful white lights

when I  wanted to  purchase, address and mail cards 

when I find myself thinking about making cut out sugar cookies

and thumbprints and my Grandma's cookies

I don't understand the shift

but I am not going to fight it 

I am going to embrace each day as it comes,

enjoy my daily Advent readings,

cry when I need to, laugh when I can

and be thankful for the time I get to spend with the ones I love

to those of you who are hurting so deeply that getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed and eating is a full days work

to those of you who are fighting to survive

to those of you who want to do more but cannot

be kind to yourself

do what you can and don't worry about what you cannot do

and rest, knowing that God sees, He cares, He understands

"a bruised reed He will not break,

    and a faintly burning wick He will not quench;..."
from Isaiah 42:3