keenly aware

keenly
is not a word in my regular vocabulary,
but today it fits perfectly

keen
sharp
like a new razor blade slicing tender skin

deep, burning, impossible to ignore
like salt poured into a wound
describes my awareness of some things today

I think it is the combination of caring deeply,
of hearing hard to accept news
of knowing some people I love are hurting 

tears as I mopped the floors at church
tears as I vacuumed the sanctuary
driven to my knees in prayer for someone as I cleaned a bathroom 

and finally,
when all was said and done
sitting alone in the vestibule with a new box of Kleenex, sobbing

pouring out the hurt
acknowledging the differences loss brings
seeking the comfort and guidance of the One who loves me best

thankful, yes I am 
blessed, yes I am 
joyful, yes I am 

but that doesn't make the tears go away 
it doesn't make the hurt disappear
it doesn't nullify the gaping hole

it does remind me of Whose I am
it does keep me mindful of where my hope lies
it does give me reasons to keep walking this journey of faith

I will keep loving
I will keep choosing hope
I will keep rejoicing in spite of and in the midst of the storms

I just received a text from the person I was driven to my knees to pray for
my heart is full of thanksgiving and praise
I am reminded that obedience, even if it doesn't "make sense", is rewarding