heart issues

Part of this post is brought to you by the "On this day" feature of FB.

October 21, 2009 I wrote:
(Donnette) is thankful for changing seasons! When I am in a season of life that is hard, I try to look for beauty and I try to remember to rejoice that another season is coming! Some of my most important life lessons are from seasons I didn't like when I was in them. Sometimes I don't see the beauty til the challenge is past. I am glad God is always at work. Especially when I let Him change me so I am more like Him!

My heart broke a little when I saw this from October 21,2010

Thirty years of being a stay at home mom had passed in the blink of an eye.
This photo was taken on High School Senior Night for "baby" Ruth.
The last of our six children would soon graduate.
Our season of "raising" kids was almost over.
Changes, big changes were coming.

Fast forward six years to today.

October 21,2016

The past few days I have felt "out of sorts". Weird headache. Dizzy/swimmy headed. Nausea. Heavy chest. Tired. Sluggish. Periods of feeling like I was walking through quicksand. Not that I have ever walked through quick sand, but what I imagine it would feel like. This started during my walk Tuesday night. I had a friend take my blood pressure. It was after 7 PM and I'd eaten lunch at noon so I thought it might be my blood sugar. I had Ruth come get me to drive me home. We stopped at Wendy's for a Four for Four. I felt a little better after I ate. Wednesday my friend asked if I was better. "A little" was my reply. She didn't say much but I could tell she was concerned. Thursday she asked if I was better-I guess the look on my face told her more than my words because she asked me to please go see my doctor. "I am worried about you." I have been praying about whether or not to go see him. I wasn't overly worried because I have had these feelings before-grief, stress, anxiety, depression is what I chalked it up to. it has been a crazy, heavy few weeks. I prayed for wisdom to know what to do. I was supposed to go to Akron today. When I woke up at 5 AM in a cold sweat and a pounding heart I decided I should call my doctor's office.

8:11 "Hello, Dr. XXXXXX office"

"Good morning, this is Donnette Bondurant. 
Do you have an open appointment this morning?"

"I don't think so. Let me put you on hold and I will look."

pause

"Well Donnette, you must have been supposed to call at this time. I put you on hold to answer the phone. Our 10:15 just cancelled. You can have that appointment if you want it."

I know better than to turn it down. God has clearly spoken.

10:00 I am in the office chatting with the nurse about why I am there. When I finish, she says, "I am going to get an EKG before he comes in."

Long story short, the EKG was normal, my heart appears to be good. My doctor spent at least 40 minutes with me. I told him I thought it could be stress/anxiety/depression/grief, but if it was my heart, If I had a heart attack while driving and it didn't kill me but I injured someone else that would not be good for me. He agreed that it could be stress/anxiety/etc. 

But he also listened to my broken heart. 

He wants to make sure my heart muscle is as strong and healthy as he thinks it is so he ordered a chest x-ray and a treadmill stress test to rule out any heart muscle issues. I am also now taking an aspirin a day and a low dose beta blocker as a precaution at least until after the stress test. 

I have wondered what I would do when this kind of thing came. A potentially serious health issue in this new season of life without Bill here to take good care of me. Now I know. 

Today God showed me without a doubt He will continue to provide for me. 

• I called the doctor's office at the exact right time.
• The x-ray tech was a dear friend who prayed and wrapped me in a hug.
• Ruth encouraged me to sit and chill on her couch after I told her.
• She helped me call her siblings to let them know what is going on.
• I have a number of people I can call if I need them.

Two years ago today, Oct. 21, 2014, less than two months after Bill died I wrote this blog post. It is as accurate today as it was then.

In my spirit

I know God loves me.

I know He sees me.

I know He cares.

I know He holds me.

I know He is with me.

I know He provides everything I need.

Every.

Single.

Thing.

Every.

Single. 

Time.

I know He is never late.

In my flesh

the last three days have been long.

Emotionally draining.

And tonight, tonight I am tired.

My emotions are battered,

my mind is worn.

On this cold, wet evening

what I want

is to simply 

curl up on a couch

with a fire in the wood burning stove

and be held

(nothing sexual)

by someone with flesh and blood.

Would I want Bill to come back?

Now that he has gone, NO! A thousand times, NO!

He is in the presence of our great God,

without distraction or hindrance.

Years ago I read a small book

that had a huge impact on my life.

"The Practice of the Presence of God"

written by Brother Lawrence.

He chose to practice being aware of God's presence.

I have found that we get good at what we practice.

I have been thinking about the presence I lost.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But I must not get into the habit 

of practicing those thoughts.

As I choose to 

Practice the Presence of God

I find comfort

I find rest

I find assurance

I find that I am challenged.

I must choose to trust

that God will continue to provide

what I need, when I need it.

It may not come the way I expect it.

It may not come when I think I need it.

But He is faithful.

He will provide.

He has NEVER failed.

My mind is drawn to Jesus' admonition to Peter:

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Mark 14:38

I must watch.

I must pray.

I am weak.

Without God's Spirit at work in me

I will fall into temptations,

too many to list,

I will believe Satan's lies.

The truth is that God is enough.

He is more than enough.

And I find that as I have sat and cried and wrote,

He has filled my desire to be held.

I am tempted to "pretty" this post up.

But it was definitely a process to get here-

so, I will leave it as I wrote it.

Is being held by God

the same as being held by flesh and blood?

No, but it is infinitely more lasting.

I find that is satisfying from the inside out.

And no gossip can be started by being held by Him.