mail call

it is crazy how much mail is in my box everyday

what is crazier is how little of the mail in my box is addressed to me!

Ruth (baby girl)

Kyle (Ruth's husband)

Andrew (baby boy)

Jonathan (oldest boy)

Caleb (adopted son)

all have homes of their own, in the US

and I still get mail for them on a regualr basis

and yes, they all filled out the forwarding papers at the PO

mail for Deborah and David makes sense because this is their US home address

the others make me shake my head

then there is the mail that comes for Bill

today there were several things that came addressed to him

I have gotten past the point of bursting into tears when I see his name 
now I just tear it up into varying pieces, 
more if it is a particularly trying day,

and throw it away without giving it any more thought

until today when I noticed this:

as I slowly put the pieces in the trash

I took a deep breath.

my heart gave a big sigh,

and I thought,

"yes, yes we do want you back"

except for that to happen Bill would have to leave heaven

and I wouldn't wish that on anyone

so I resolutely set my mind to not dwell on it anymore

but my mind was rebellious and uncooperative

those four words kept popping into my thoughts all day

I think I cried them out this evening after my walk

I miss him every single day, some days I just miss him deeper

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy

to the living God.

For a day in your courts is better

than a thousand elsewhere.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of wickedness. 

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold

from those who walk uprightly.

O Lord of hosts,

blessed is the one who trusts in you!"

Psalm 84:1&2, 10-12