the dance continues

anyone who knows me
is well aware that I cannot
and therefore, I do not dance
but if I could,
I would like to dance with elegance

December 21, 2014 I wrote a post about life being a dance

currently I am in a place where I recognize 

that my steps seem to be going every which way but forward

sideways, yes

backward, a little

slipping and sliding out of control, occasionally

wanting to bang my head, umm, yeah, that too

I realized as I typed everything following "backward..."  

that those words are driven by a mindset that says 

if you are "still" sad, if you are "still" crying, you are not doing good. 

And I want to do good. 
I want YOU to think I am doing good.

As I evaluate where I am, I don't think I am doing bad. 

I think need to reevaluate my criteria! 
see what I accidently did there? 

Criteria = CRY-TEAR-eeah? yeah,that's probably funnier in my thoughts
My feelings may disagree, but I am actually doing okay.

I am, by turns, feeling:

beautifully broken

    confident in the knowledge God is at work in and for me

weary and worn 

     it takes a lot of energy to walk by faith and not by feelings

tired and tried

     grief and the devil do not fight fair

jealous and joyful 

     subject to flip flop without warning or explaination

I find that I am, on occasion,

irrationally irritated

     and that frustrates and embarasses and angers me

struggling with this stretching

     but I know growth requires it

cautiously confident

     I am right where I need to be, doing what I need to do

hesitantly adventurous

     knowing God may open new doors for ministry

these words from the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" 

have echoed through my mind since I heard them sung this morning

"...strength for today..."

that is what He promises 

that is what I wait for with sure expectation

and that is what He delivers

faithfully, every single day

It is time to stop:

wrestling a foe I cannot see
listening to the lies that I should be "stronger/better/happier"

It is time to once again give myself permission: 

• to pause when I need to
• to take my time as I walk 
• to make rest a priority
• to be seen as "weak" in the eyes of some people
• to cry on a friend's shoulder when I need to
• to not resist the hard work grief is doing in my life
• to continue to invest in and carry strong, soft Kleenex