stand by me, I'll stand by you

sometimes you take a hit 
and then you take another and another
some are glancing blows, you barely feel them, but they leave a mark
others are direct hits and the injury is in the open for all to see
there are seasons when blows come hard, in rapid succession
sometimes you see them coming
sometimes they come from out of the blue
you block and dodge what you can
you know you are bruised and bleeding
you think you are managing the fight well
but you don't realize how severe your injuries are
I think I am in that place

when Bill died I knew it was a direct hit, 
the deepest injury I think I will ever experience
it left a mark that will not be fully healed until I too die
I knew other people would understand my deep grief
I was "entitled" to it
recently I have been the recipient of numerous blows in a row
I have not been as diligent as I need to be with self-care
I haven't paid as close attention to my heart as I did when Bill died
because while the hits have involved someone I love
          it isn't a child I birthed, it isn't my husband, my mother, my father, etc.
I have been slow to acknowledge the severity of some of the wounds
because I didn't think I had the "right" to grieve deeply 
          
since the moment I walked out of Bill's hospital room 
and went to my knees in prayer
I have prayed for wisdom and discernment to know how to "do grief well"
I have prayed for comfort and courage to do what I need to do
I did not think I was concerned about what people think about my grief
but I was wrong
this week it has become evident
that while I know the pain is real 
whether I have a "right" to feel it deeply or not

I have let fear of judgement get in the way 

of being vulnerable about grief that isn't "mine"

I want to leave pride behind 

because it gets in the way of healing

I want to leave fear behind

because it causes me to hide things that need to be revealed

I want to be vulnerable 
because that means I am not allowing my heart to become hard and calloused
I want to speak up when things are "off"
because ignoring them will not make them go away
I want let go of feeling guilty for grieving deeply
I want to stand unashamed with my battle wounds exposed 

I know I do not stand alone
I am a child of God 
I know He is always with me
He will never leave me 
He will never forsake me
the family and friends who are willing to stand alongside me,
the people who love and surround me, are His hands and feet
I know all of them have been wounded too, 
maybe not in the same way or succession,
but you cannot live this life and escape unscathed
we will survive our individual battles as long as we stand together

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  Galatians 6:2